Sunday, February 19, 2006

Raisins are Grape Corpses and other troofs...

* Raisins ARE dead grapes. Its basically a grape with all its life dried out of it, yes? Enjoy your box of grape corpses and the grape elderly (the raisins with a little bit of plump leftover from their former life). I'll pass. (really I just don't like raisins... but that's the reason I like to give to people who question my judgement)

* Michelle Kwan's nose is NOT of Asian descent. I'm pretty sure she borrowed it from Walter Matthau.



* Batman is NOT a super hero. Superheroes, by and by, posess powers that others (humans) don't. Batman has no super powers. To avenge his parent's death, he donned a batsuit, made a belt full of nifty crimefighting stuff and enlisted the help of a 16 year old sidekick, whom he dressed in rainbow colors. He's not a superhero. At best, he's a extremely agile mental case with "Brokeback" tendencies, in dire need of therapy.

* Vegetable feel pain! This was a eyeopening fact, brought up on Debi's blog:

"1) To Vegetarians, Vegans, Uber-vegans, microbioals, and raw eaters...
If scientists eventually prove that plants can feel pain in a different but just as significant way as animals, what will you eat? p.s. They are getting really close to proving exactly that."


I was so happy to hear about this study and I personally can't WAIT for this to happen. I would love to throw some cabbage trimmings on them and make signs like: "PLANT KILLER!" and "SALAD IS MURDER!". I reserve this to the most extreme of vegans of course, who push the vegan way of life as I try to eat my double bacon cheeseburger in peace. I have nothing against regular ol' vegetarians who just like to eat veggies.. eat up! and while you're at it, you want my broccoli? (ew).

* My right thumb bends wierd. Check it out:

What is up with that? My left thumb is extremely embarrassed and refuses to hang out with my right thumb. Can you blame it? (I know I'm convincing you people more and more than I'm a midget circus freak... oh and I KNOW you are loving the short nails and no polish look. I call it "lesbo-chic".)

* Midget circus freaks are cooler than you.

* Carrot Top is a scary woman and his date, Steven Segall is a douchebag.


* Women's farts stink. Men's farts smell more like a city sewage pipe has leaked into your house. Or someone took a fat dump in the middle of your living room.. either way, guys SCHMELL.

* Power Bars taste like wood shavings, glue and ground up aspirin. I'm eating it right now as a substitute for chocolate. Which is a lot like using a cow pie as a substitute for a pillow.

* Everyone in England looks like Mr. Bean.

* Everyone in France can suck it. (I'm specifically talking TO YOU Miss French Bitch with a foot long French bread up your ass. The conch who decided that sighing and rolling her eyes while I try to order my quiche (IN FRENCH) was proper customer service for Americans. Don't be hatin' on me because you're country is full of manginas, ready to bend over to whoever the dominant country happens to be! Just get me my quiche' biznatch and try not to get your armpit hair in it)

* The more errands I have to do, the more I feel the urge to blog.

* Anything in San Diego ending in "-berto's" means they have some damn good carne asada burritos that be talkin' to your other end about 2 hours later. (right Kim?) It's alright though. Metamucil has nuttin' on these burritos. Keeps a girl regular! OLE!

* It takes an average of 413 licks to get to the center of a Tootsie Pop. No joke. Some "scientist" (ie: guy in his 30s who still lives with his mom and has decorative samurai swords displayed in his apartment/basement) conducted this study.

*
.. AND finally, I like to shamelessly promote myself:

Buy a T-shirt from me ( more designs coming soon) or skip the formalities and just send me some good ol' cash. I promise that all proceeds will go to a charitable cause. (me).
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13 comments:

Riss said...

You dare talk smack about Batman??????

*aghast*

Leilouta said...

Wow, I never thought of raisins that way!
No wonder I never liked them.

Lightning Bug's Butt said...

Elaine! Too many good points to list.

I LOVE the point on plantlife. Maybe we should all become meat-a-tarians!

Can't agree with Batman, though. Dude, he's a superhero.

Yeah, French people. Ef them!

Kim said...

Ha! My old boss (from Belgium) looks just like Mr. Bean!

And yes, anything ending in -Berto's has the best burritos EVER! Here in Idaho it happens to be Rolberto's. Whatever. It's sooo good!

Eric said...

I loved this post. Not being a fan of Michelle Kwan (preferring the much cuter but mentally fragile Sasha Cohen) I love it when people diss her. Yey.

I put links to your blog on my two blogs here at Blogger. Hope you don't mind.

I got a friend who lives in Oceanside as well. (Nope, she doesn't know you). I forwarded her one of your posts (Braddle Butt?) and she loved it, so now every time you put up a new post I send her the link - I've become her automated blog entry notification device.

Elaine said...

Riss & LBB: okay, it's not that I don't LIKE Batman but I really don't think he falls into the category of "superhero". He's more like James Bond except with a costume and Robin as his bond girl.....

Eric: heck no i don't mind! I have to put your link on mine too.. especially your food blog. Makes me salivate everytime I visit! Tell your friend there's a handy dandy subscribing thingy on the side of my blog..(that way you won't be doing the dirty work! haha)

Shannon Bieger said...

HA ha ha haha! You're selling shirts? This may be your million dollar idea!

Mitchell Allen said...

Elaine, this zany post sounds like a vintage Saturday Night Live Sketch - where they gave the news, rapid-fire.

If vegetarians eat vegetables, what do octogenerians eat?

By the way, don't knock hairy french bread; where do you think the french braid can from?

I'll buy a shirt, if you autograph it! (I'll wear it on Oprah!)

Julie Jewels said...

Ok, I just left Alyson's blog with tears after reading her proposal post and come here only to start crying tears of laughter!! You slay me with your humor!!

Alyson said...

hahahahhhahahahahahaha, woooowheeee, hahahahahahahahahahahaa, oh man. Shit. That stuff is FAN-TAS-TIC! I LOVE it! hahahaha. But I vow to NEVER buy your underwear. Ew.

And I must say, I totally had that SAME discussion about Batman, with Mike. It kinda went like this, "But WHY is he a superhero?" Mike's triumphant attempt at an explanation here. Me: But WHY? Finally, he just started ignoring me. We're going on 3 months of silence now. Sigh. I miss my husband.

Elaine said...

Buy a shirt! Get an autograph from yours truly. See? Its more than a T-shirt, it's an investment!! :D

Shannon Bieger said...

just letting you know that I changed the URL to my blog. It's now http://shannonbieger.blogspot.com

popfizz said...

your thumb is funky and yes, fuck the french.