Wednesday, February 08, 2006

Brown And Bubbly?

Did anyone else notice this campaign for either Coke or Pepsi (one of those two soda monopolies) ? It was "Brown and Bubbly." That was their "genius" advertising slogan to pitch to the American public during the Superbowl. Really? What drunk advertising executive came up with this slogan? It sure as hell doesn't make me think of soda. When I think of "Brown And Bubbly," I'm thinking of....

* The shit squirts. The kind that happens when you eat prunes and down a pitcher of Metamucil. Powerful, gut wrenching squirts, enough to lift a 300 pound man off the toilet seat and cause some spillage.

*Raven Samone. Because hey, let's face it, that girl is as bubbly as they come!

* Eating brownies, taking five shots of tequila and seeing what "brown and bubbly" concoction I can yak into the toilet bowl a half hour later.

* The dirt, puke, piss, alchohol MUD slush that accumulates on any given dance floor in Tijuana, Mexico. (not that I've ever BEEN, but I've heard stories......)

OH HELL who am I kidding!? Brown and bubbly reminds me of POOP.
Wet, watery, unapologetic poop.
It's hard for me to wrap my mind around the fact that someone got paid for basically describing diarrhea. Can I do that too? How about "yellow and warm"? Is there a product that could use that slogan? "Thick and bitter?" "Dry and crusty?" "Sour and creamy?" (That's a good one for yogurt!) I've missed my calling apparently. I could totally be an ad exec! I'm just shooting those babies right out of my ass as fast as I can type it!

Speaking of poop.. you know what makes me uncomfortable right down to the hair of my chinny chin chin? (it's okay, I don't have chin hair.. I wax.) Singers who sound as if they've been constipated for five years. Bruce Springsteen, Michael Bolton, Bryan Adams.. those types. Whenever they sing, you can see that vein in their forehead from outerspace. I think this type of "straining" should be reserved for heavy metal, punk or any "angry" type of music, because it fits the song perfectly. However, a love song and pinching a loaf should never resemble one another. I can't imagine being a girlfriend/wife to one these guys. Because YOU KNOW they've serenaded them at least once. I would be so incredibly uncomfortable if it were me. Because first, I hate being serenaded to. What's the proper etiquette for the "serenadee?" Sit there and smile? Can I sing along? Hum? What if you have to go to the bathroom in the middle of the song? Can I check my email? Is it okay to read a book during the song? Can I make requests? Do I have to applaud at the end? I don't know! It's too awkward to have someone serenade you, let alone look like they're going to go dookie on your shoe while doing it. Serenading is only cool if you do it ala John Cusak with a boombox over your head, playing your love song of choice.

Did I just blog about poop?

Okay, I'm off to have a tall glass of brown and bubbly now! I bid you a DOO DOO.

(...damn..knowing when to stop was never one of my strong traits... )

6 comments:

Julie Jewels said...

Holy crap!! (pun intended) I have tears streaming down my face!!
This is one funny blog post!!! Why is talk about bodily functions so ding dang funny?

And I'm with you on the serenading. What are you supposed to do? Even when the restaurant mariachi dudes come up to our table I feel self conscious!

Shannon Bieger said...

LOL Well whilst I agree that I don't want some constipated, washed up singer serenading me, I can tell you as the wife of a musician - it's pretty darn cool to have someone sing a song to you that they've written for you. That's how I was proposed to after all. ; )

Elaine said...

Shannon: Well Erick has a beautiful voice and personally, if I got proposed to with a serenade, I would have ruined it by being a blubbering, crying, snot nosed idiot! :D

Julie: Usually when the mariachi dudes come up to our table, I'm almost always buzzed, so I end up singing along! ha ha ha! Mind you I don't know Spanish so I just say "Friiijooles" in whatever tune they're singing.. seriously.. I'm an embarassing person to be around....;)

Lightning Bug's Butt said...

Elaine, I could read your crap all day.

Kim said...

OMG. My friend Megan and I were having this same discussion about being serenaded the other day. I HATE it! It absolutely mortifies me, great voice or not. She thinks it's awesome. Funny how we all view that so differently.

And another constipation singer is definitely Jessica Simpson. I keep thinking she's going to crap her pants EVERY SINGLE TIME she sings. She's terrible.

Eric said...

hi Elaine,

i couldnt see any email addr to contact you so i decided to just leave a comment here. i found your blog coz of the comment you posted on my post re Pinoy food on WritingUp, and i'm having a blast reading your stuff (and clicked on an ad which truly interested me, for good measure). i think you're so masipag (hardworking) in writing insane stuff :-)

i also have a couple of Blogger blogs, if you're so inclined check them out.

http://pigoutnyc.blogspot.com (about food, food food)
http://hello1newman.blogspot.com
(travel related stuff)

Cheers,
Eric
flipinnj@gmail.com