Wednesday, September 17, 2008

It's A Moo Point....

I saw a Friends episode where Joey was holding a giant Toblerone bar and I thought for sure that was fake or something you can only get internationally. For those of you who don't know what a Toblerone bar is, (gasp!) it's a triangle shaped chocolate bar made in Switzerland that's so delicious in its chocolately goodness, it's like a chocolate orgasm in your mouth! I have no idea what chocolate god the swiss is giving oral to, to be able to spew forth such a heavenly treat, all I know is they better not stop. It's the Angelina Jolie of chocolate is the bullet point of my presentation here.
Anyways, besides that Friends episode, I had only seen regular sized Toblerone bars until this past weekend when I walked into the Axis of Evil (Wal-Mart - McDonald's and Starbucks are the other two) the cloud of corporate monopoly and greed opened up just a tad to reveal this magical sight:

OH. My. Swiss Chocolate GOd. Did Switzerland finally tire of the oral, cut his chocolate peen off and boxed it for my enjoyment?!!
(side note, yuck, do I need my cabinets refaced or do I need my cabinets refaced?? Jeesh!)
I couldn't help myself. I bought it. And now it's in my refrigerator like some ancient relic that's too fragile to touch. I know the promise of unlimited chocolately goodness resides in that Toblerone package however, I also know the promise of a giant ass comes with it. I don't trust myself near the thing - it's as if Angelina Jolie herself was in my closet wanting to be nibbled slowly, could it be done? Probably. Could I do it? Probably not. - and so it goes for the giant Toblerone bar in my fridge, begging to be loved. But I'm afraid I would love it all at once and then we would both feel dirty afterwards.
I was thinking about having viking hubby ration it out - except he's kind of a Toblerone freak too so he would probably give me one triangle piece to his three and then a scuffle would ensue. Viking and midget throw downs are ugly and would stain the carpet so I would rather not go there. I think I might have to......(heart palpitations) ....give it away. WAAAAH!!!

In other news....

To my dear sweet credit card companies,

Unlike AIG, I don't have the federal government bailing me out of my bills (wait...where does the federal government get the money to bail out AIG? Oh that's right MY TAX DOLLARS). Excuse me, let me rephrase....

To my dear sweet credit card companies,
I'm entirely way too busy bailing out AIG to pay for my own bills at the moment. I plan on paying you. For reals though. However, calling me incessantly isn't going to make Benjamins magically secrete from my bleached asshole (I'm kidding, it's not bleached but did you know you can do that? Anal bleaching? For reals! Who's doing that? Ryan Seacrest I'm talking to you...) Anyways, back to my creditors...if your phone calls DID make money ooze out of me, then you KNOW I would be taking your phone calls DAY and NIGHT! Shoot, I'd be calling YOU so I could squeeze out a couple hundred dollars so I can go to TWO Madonna concerts! (priorties people...)

unfortunately dear credit cards, on the totem pole of necessities ...our car, our house, food, and of course, MY INTERNET...yeah, unfortunately you're last. So threatening me with letters about "ruining my credit" is a "moo point" (like a cow's doesn't matter...Remember that Friends episode?? anyone?) because you can't ruin a credit that's already..well ruined. (special shout out to my mortgage company for taking years of fiscal responsibility and effectively flushing it down the toilet in a month. Whoot!)
Just be patient. There's too many groping hands in my pocket right now and there's no room for yours. Love you though!! Thanks for those overlimit fees btw!

I'm not whining about my financial guffaw because really it's only our cc's that we have to get out of our hair and that'll be done, hopefully, by February. So many people have it so much worse in this horrible, no so good, very bad economy. I just think it's funny that even though I told them all exactly what I just wrote down (minus the anal bleaching comment....hmm maybe I should though...) they still keep at it! You gotta admire that kind of persistence, especially when all their phone numbers have been blocked and they get to hear my sweet musical voice mail pick every day (three times a day sometimes). They must really like my voice mail. Come to think of it, they've probably morphed from being bill collectors to being my biggest fans! :)


Melly said...

Is that REALLY a giant Toblerone bar or does it just look giant next to you?

Anonymous said...

As a trusted friend, I need to tell you -- DON'T eat that candy. I'll help you. Just send it to me and I'll dispose of it. Really, I'm happy to help.

You're welcome.

Elaine said...

Mel: I'm only short in head is as big as they come so...that's an accurate depiction of that toblerone bar. :)

Elizabeth: its heart wrenching times like these that true friends really come out of the woodwork. :)

Bluestreak said...

you definitely should have left the anal bleaching part in!

I don´t recommend giving that toblerone bar away, you must control thyself. But yes, eating it all at once is carnal sin for sure.

IDigHootchAndCootch said...

anal bleaching. crazy. I wonder then do you need some type of anal make-up to help you match the bleached skin with the rest of your ass, or do you just rock the two skin-toned ass? either way i bet its hot.

Anonymous said...

No, shit. Wells Fargo Calls 5 or 6 times a day. Come and get the car already. I not talking to you for a reason. You can't bleed me anymore. I refuse!

Tug said...

*sigh* I miss Joey and his moo points.

So what's your phone number? As long as you're ALREADY getting calls, I may as well tell my cc companies that my phone number changed to yours, right?

I've got candy..........(not nearly as good or BIG as yours, but still).

Lizzle said...

As for dealing with the chocolatey goodness, I have experience with this... Here's what you do:

1)Open the package.

2)Break bar down into individual pieces.

3)Consume one piece and place the remaining pieces into a baggie.

4)Take packaging and cut out nutritional information including fat and calorie count, place in baggie with pieces of chocolate.

5)Place baggie in freezer.

6)Examine nutrition information prior to reopening baggie, and remember that the slowed gnawing as a result of being frozen are for your own good.

As for the creditors, I too laugh when they call and I reject the "unknown number" because I know they can't take what I don't have!

Franki said...

Gawd, you are a hot funny mess. I have a friend who works for a plastic surgeon and she says that anal bleaching is the most popular procedure right now. I bet all my neighbors are secretly strippers or porn stars.

If you saw my neighbors, you woulda just thrown up too.

SHADOW said...

I am sorry I am one of the small percentage of people that never heard of a Tolborone bar?

Can you break off a piece and send it to me so I can see what the fuss is about?

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