Monday, June 02, 2008

How Much Is That Alien In The Window?

Yeah, so if you haven't already guessed by now, Fan Letter Friday is long gone and even Fan Letter Whenever The Hell I Feel Like it lost its steam somewhere around Sunday when I sat at my computer and had absolutely nothing clever to say. (Gay Clayiken artificially inseminated an old lady for chrissakes! and yet I was still sitting there with drool dripping from the corners of my mouth...maybe that Angelina Jolie wallpaper wasn't such a good idea).

With me, clever is much like a herpes only flares up every once in a while but when it does, OY! It tastes like buuurning!

Okay, so maybe that wasn't the best example. It was a short but busy week for the midge people, bear with me. Let's just move along before my excuses become really pathetic and I start to blame my non cleverliness (new word, write it down) to the Tom Cruise alien outside my window.

Did anyone see this shit? Some guy named Jeff Peckman is claiming that he saw aliens peeking on his ass while he was rubbing his junk. (Okay, I totally made that part up about rubbing his junk because if that was the case, then for SURE it was Tommy Girl and not an alien). I believe in aliens. No really I do, and I'm not afraid to admit it. I think its ridiculous for us to think we're the only ones when we haven't even stepped outside our backyard to really see what's out there. (I'm sure the aliens are all, "awww how cute, they got to their own moon! Our babies are growing up!")
But that's not my point, my point is, even us cavemen have technology like webcams, picture phones, thermal energy cams, night vision, rotating massage shower heads (hmm, wha?) and yet Mr. Peckman wants me to believe that an alien who crossed time and space to come visit our planet just hoofed it out to his backyard, dog doodie and lawn furniture be damned, so it could observe him through the window?!? The poor alien looked like it was barely tall enough to see through the window! I find it hard to believe that it was that unprepared. And where pray tell is the mighty alien probe we've all heard about? If an alien stained its alien tootsies walking across the yard to get to your house, it's there to probe your ass (literally) believe me. The alien is not there to steal your grandma's secret recipe for coffee cake I'm guessing.

That was the clincher for me, no probe then it can't be an alien and it most certainly couldn't be Tommy girl because you know he's got a probe that doubles as a pen in his back pocket, for emergency alien probing and Scientology pat downs - which is a process only done to men by the way because..ew vaginas.
I just have a feeling if this really was an alien, how desperate would it have to be to come to your window and see if anyone was home? And why the fuck did Mr. Peckerhead just sit there and tape it? I mean, damn, open the door, offer him some coffee and see what it needs. I bet you that alien is back up there totally talking shit on us.

"I kid you not, those guys are so rude, I mean, I was out there...probe-less...wanting to use the phone and he's just sitting there taping me on his tripod like Tom does when we go to his "naked Xenu parties" and I'm like, Hey buddy! Its freezing out here! Can you let me in? And the next thing I know, I'm on YouTube! The guys in the office are never going to let me live this down."

One more random thing - Today I saw this idiot literally stop in the middle of a busy street as I was waiting for him to pass so that I could turn. Thank goodness there was no one following him and not because I was afraid of a horrific accident,.. I mean that would be horrible and all sure, but the first thing that went through my mind was...
"Oh god please don't let the driver be Asian, please don't be Asia.....DAMNIT HE'S ASIAN!! Thank goodness no one's around to see this! Hurry up and go nimrod before the white man cometh and sees you happily perpetuating the stereotype!!"
Then I drove off in a huff before I realize I had my blinker on for 5 blocks!
I kid! I kid!

It was only for 2 blocks.


SHADOW said...

Hey girlie! How have you been? How come you didn't come visit me when you were in NYC? I was on the look out for crazy Madonna infatuated midgets during the time you were supposed to be up here :-)

PS: I don't know about you, but the alien in the window looks a HECK of a lot like Tom Cruise, if you ask me!

Shannon Bieger said...

That alien video is ludicrous. I mean really, who still uses such a crappy camera quality? Convenient.

You get the asian driver stereotype and I get the "soccer mom in a mini-van" stereotype. Neither of us can drive!

Anonymous said...

WOW!! I watched real Alien video here: LINK
quality quite good

Franki said...

What's the quickest way to blind an Asian?

Put a windshield in front of them.

That one kills me.