You can never be as hot as Joyce Dewitt. Seriously, don't even try.

Yes, I'm still here...a little more calm from the last time I posted a blog but not by much. (one week from today!! ticktockticktockticktock).....Again, please note that I will be documenting my adventures daily via "vlogging" (video blogs) so bookmark my Madonna site now and don't miss out on all the fun. (Main gay Joey also scored front row tickets to a Broadway show - Phantom Of The Opera! - ...seriously, if this isn't a fag and a hag's dream vacation, I don't know what is.)

My big talk about changing the blog's format to just only showcase FLF obviously didn't pan out because I'm lazy and someone really needs to remind me that I cannot be clever during the week. And "Fan Letter Whenever The Hell I Feel Like It" really doesn't have the same ring to it as Fan Letter Friday. So blog stays the same with FLF to round off the meal.

Can someone also remind me to stop eating Flaming Hot Cheetoh ANYTHING??? They go in like a sparkler but they come out like a bottle rocket. They should just change the name to scorched sphincters because that's what you're signing up for when you eat those things.

I usually wake up at the ungodly hour of 5:30 am. (I know, it's insane and I don't have to get up that early but my body clock is just wired to wake up at that hour....weekends I "sleep in" until 6:30 am.) Anyways, I sometimes have the morning news on and it always cracks me up when the traffic reporter acts "surprised" and excited that there's no traffic to report and everything is going smoothly. It's 5:30 in the morning!! Sane people are asleep, even the sun is still hittin' the snooze button, the only people on the road at that hour are college students driving back from Tijuana after a hard night of partying. (I NEVER did such a thing...). Every day this traffic guy acts "surprised" and happy to be delivering the "good news" of no traffic. That's like acting surprised that Pamela Anderson isn't a virgin.

It was Joyce Dewitt's birthday yesterday. In honor of her birthday, please go to her site and buy me an autographed picture. Because it will make Joyce happy. Trust me.

Okay no, not really. Joyce Dewitt could give a damn. What I'm really trying to do is wallpaper my bathroom with her image because nothing gets my bowel moving faster than Janet Wood smiling at me while I'm on the loo.

Okay, not really, I'm just trying to score more free shit.

How I'm even typing right now is beyond me I'm so excited about my trip to see my girlfriend. My nights have been filled with fantasies of meeting the Queen and Joey and I becoming her new BFFs. And maybe, after a drunken night of cocktails, she decides that she loves the idea of Polkadonna and offers me a spot on her tour to be the opening act. Yes, it will all happen because my blog reader's good vibes are powerful and strong.

My blog readers sayeth and so it shall BE-ITH! Hallelujah, praise the Lawd and put some pennies in my Joyce Dewitt donation plate.

Amen.