Wednesday, March 12, 2008

Your Change Is By Your Crotch!!

Good heavens, sorry about that Madonna rant. I'm just getting excited ya' album...TOUR. Eeeh! Although...and this is a bit blasphemous for me to be saying this and please oh please may the sinewy muscular arm of Madonna not smite me for saying it but .... she needs to lay off the botox. There I said it. I couldn't concentrate on her accemptance speech because the only thing moving on her face was her lower lip. Age gracefully I say. I'd rather she just look her age since she looks awesome at 49 anyways.
If you see me walking around with a black eye, you know that I've been smithed (sp?) by mother Madonna for saying such horrible things. Okay okay enough about Madonna....sorry. I'll take my Madonna love to my other blog specifically designed to handle my gushing.

Moving along..fellow blogger Elizabeth had two cool posts; one listing her pet peeves and the other was what she was grateful for. I thought I'd mush them together and put a twist on it. (I'm always copying from Elizabeth! Sorry guh! You got good posts!)

5 peeves and cool things at THE GROCERY STORE:

1. Peeve: Those cleverly placed toys in each aisle that is eye level to my daughter when she's sitting in the cart. And it's crap like a plastic ball with a face on it that costs ten bucks that of course the munchkin HAS TO HAVE.
Cool: The free cookie they give to kids at the grocery store we go to (Albertsons). It occupies her for at least 5 minutes (she likes to nibble and talk about her cookie for the first 5 minutes). Even better, sometimes the deli will give her a bag of curly fries that she won't be able to finish and oh don't wanna waste perfectly good curly fries right? Here you go momma. (My chubble ass is the result of those free curly fries at the grocery store.)

2. Peeve: People who go to the self checkout and not know how to use it. Those things are so user friendly a blind monkey with one arm and a horrible case of the crabs could do it. Viking hubby for some reason, gets flustered so he just uses the cashier, which is fine. Know your limits I always say. If you're going to go to self checkout please give it a once over and see if its something you can handle. Do not spend 10 minutes wondering where your change went when everyone behind you saw your change clang and clink into the little container by your crotch that is labeled CHANGE in big white capital letters.
Cool: The self checkout counters! No waiting for the cashier to conclude her conversation about her kids T-ball practice with another customer before she decides to ring in my shit because you know, I've got no place to go, I don't got shit to do, go on with your mind numbingly inane story, no "hey you wanna donate a dollar to the kids with visible underbites fund?" and then disgusted looks when you're like "hells naw bitch, do you know what I can buy at McDonald's for a DOLLAR. Give me my receipt!".....
love self checkout counters! LOVE. THEM.

3. Peeve: 10 for the price of one! What a deal! Not. Because they're usually for crap you don't really need, like the one I recently saw for a loofa. How greasy is your ass that you need 10 loofas at once???? Is it necessary to stock up on these things? Because god forbid the end of the world comes and ...holy shit.... we don't have loofas???
We're as good as dead my friend.
Cool: The free samples lady. Quite possibly the only salesperson I'm happy to see. God bless each and every free sample lady who have generously contributed to the chubble ass by offering me a free pizza bagel bite and a coupon.

4. Peeve: The "health food" aisle. Listen, if you want me to eat healthier you're going to have to do better than two organic granola bars in a box that costs $7.00. Are these things made out of fairy pubes and unicorn spit? That's the only reason I can think of for the price. Health food isn't particularly appetizing anyways but then you slap an obscene price on that sucker, the econo sized tater tots for 2 bucks start looking better and better.
Cool: Um..hellooo?? I just said it! tater tots for 2 bucks!! (How I'm not 300 pounds I don't know....fried things with cheese hold me close to their bosom and promise me comfort and peace what can I say.)

5. Peeve: Those folks with no aisle manners or cart driving skills. If you want to stop and have a look see, fine, but here's an idea, how about NOT putting your cart in the middle of everything and giving way for the rest of the shoppers who don't exactly want to look at you browsing happily at the stores fine selection of Lipton Noodles. Much as we're on the edge of our seat to what your choice will be (stroganoff or chicken flavored?!?!?) we've got other shit to do. Oh and don't give me salty looks when I say excuse me because I want to pass through, you wretched wench. (can you tell this really happened like YEStERDAY?)
Cool: The girl that saw me pondering about what flavor creamer I should get (AND I left way for foot traffic whilst I pondered! SEE? Considerate? I think so.) and out of the blue recommended the coconut cream which was apparently new and out of my eye level..(which is about shoulder level for you people). She even reached up and got it for the midge and now my mornings are filled with coconut coffee deliciousness.
I hope that girl wins the lottery.

So there you have it. My Peeves and Cools list for the grocery store. What's your peeve and cool at the grocery store?


Anonymous said...

You did a pretty good job covering the supermarket. I'll just add a bit:

Neg: The grocery store is not Chucky Cheese. Do not let your brats run wild.
Pos: The grocery store is not Chucky Cheese. 'Nuff said.

The Immoral Matriarch said...


You hit every single thing that crossed my mind when I read the titling sentence.

Anonymous said...

First off, thanks for pimping my blog. :O)

Second -- and don't fall over in a fit of uncontrollable jealousy -- I rarely go to the grocery store anymore. We've got here, and I am eternally grateful for the guys in the dorky shirts who bring me totes filled with food that I selected online.

PEEVE: They sometimes leave way too many boxes (they pick 'em up the next time they deliver) because the brainiacs who pack the food are fond of putting one container of yogurt into a bag and then surrounding it with ice packs, requiring that the yogurt-bag gets its own delivery box.

COOL: The food is always fresh, the frozen stuff stays frozen,they have a great selection, and well, they bring it right to your door for only $6.95. That's cheaper than giving in to just one crap toy per visit. I adore the Peapod People.

Tug said...

DAMN. I want a peapod.

Con - Going to the grocery store at ALL.

Pro - LEAVING the grocery store.

It's all I've got; I hate shopping.

SHADOW said...

"Are these things made out of fairy pubes and unicorn spit?"


You live in a sick sick world girl!!

Besides, health food isn't that bad. Have you tried shopping at Whole Foods? There is some pretty good tasting organic stuff there. Health food has really evolved from it's cardboard tasting days.

Although I have to agree with you on the prices. It's easy to spend $100 on 2 small bags of groceries there :-(

Patrick said...

Now it's my turn to comment late at night when i should be sleeping or drinking.

Peeves. Yes. Number 5 is my favorite because i think i can relate to it. Thos tourists stopping in the middle of a crowded sidewalk to look at the tall buildings. You know you can get a better view if you stand in the middle of the road. Trust me.

What happened to manners?