Tuesday, March 04, 2008

Domo Arigato Mr. Roboto!!!!

I'm back on the workout kick again (and by that I mean I'm trying to be consistent with it) because not only is there talk between viking hubby and I about adding another one of our brood to the overpopulation in the world but I also have three weddings that are happening this year, two of whom I'm marrying off, AND I'm going to Palm Springs in April for my annual "lay around in hotel robes and do nothing" weekend getaway with my friend B. If you're not familiar with my annual P.S. outings, let me catch you up...our itinerary looks something like this: sleep. shower. eat. lay out by the pool. nap. eat. watch t.v. sleep. Repeat next day

It's a myriad of activities I know. It's so hard not to over extert ourselves when we pick up the phone and call for room service. The drawback is that B has a really really nice body. Vomit inducing hot body. Standing next to her feels a lot like walking around with a magnifying glass on my ass and thighs. Plus her stomach makes fun of my stomach, her ass completely ignores my ass and well, it can get ugly. (And I'm in that annoying stage where I'm in between a medium and a small size that makes shopping for clothes about as enjoyable as bashing your toe on the coffee table). So there's no excuse, the midge must climb onto the epilepsy machine and get her cute, slightly chubby self (I like to call myself "chubbable" ) in gear yet again.

Working out has gotten a lot easier with the invention of the ipod but it's still not enough to drown out my blabbering brain which, incidentally, is starting to sound more and more like a Richard Simmons each day.

Song: Rihanna/Please Don't Stop The Music:
Brain: (remember Richard Simmons voice...): Oh my god, we love this song! Don't we love this song, right? Right? Love. This. Song. More of this sweetie and you'll totally fit into that bikini that's been hanging in your closet for a year. Let's try not to think about what we looked like the first time we tried it on...... Ms. Piggie caught up in some fishing line. Let's just pretend that never happened okay sweetie?

Song: Prodigy/Smack My Bitch Up:
Brain: ooh ooh, you know I totally picture you walking out to this as your fight song! Like if there was some kind of midget boxing association somewhere. Picture it...are you picturing? Picture you coming out of your locker room, this song in the background, punching the air with the beat, your competition in the ring totally ruining her Kotex panty liner because she KNooowwws, she's getting her ass beat!! oohhhh!
And then! And then! when you get into the ring, ...check it...you break into a robot routine!!!!

"Domo Arigto, Mr. Robotooo" GOOSEBUMPS! CHILLS!

Song: Pink/Get the party started: So what's up with Pink anyways? If she's not a tuck and taper I don't know who is okay? You know why her and her husband divorced right? There were too many pitchers and not enough catchers in that relationship if you know what I'm saying.....you know what I'm sayin?
You know what I'm saying right?

Yeah. You know what I'm saying.

I'm not kidding guys. My Cerebral Simmons is never quiet...even when I'm meditating:

Sweetie, help me understand why we're doing this and I promise I'll shut up. Are we like suppose to just sit here and breath? That's it? Correct me if I'm wrong but didn't we learn how to breath ....oh I don't know.....when we were born!!!
Spiritual my ass...I find it funny that someone gets spiritual when someone has a load of laundry to do. Isn't that interesting? Don't you find that interesting?

Get up and wash the dishes you lazy bitch.

Is there some kind of muzzle for this?


Tug said...

OMG can you believe Richard Simmons is STILL running around in those shorts?!!

I tried meditating once, but by the time I got my brain to shut the hell up I was snoring. ;-)

The Immoral Matriarch said...


I love the Simmons though, I won't lie. He's such a doll. :)

Lizzle said...

If it makes you feel any better, I've got an internal Richard Simmons too... Only instead of being my fitness guru, he assists me with my job-hating. He's really awesome at the super-gayed-out snarky comments... Especially about one of the supervisors who, despite having a wife and child, is TOTALLY Richard's power-bottom... And you know you're a queen if you're playing bottom to Mr. Simmons!

Caroline said...

WHAT is a tuck and taper?!?! And this post - good lord - I cannot stop LAUGHING.

Yo Momma said...

caroline: a tuck and taper is a method in which you take your wee wee and dangles, tuck them up nice and tight and tape them into place. this makes it easier for Pink..I mean men..to wear a skirt without having any coin purses dangling out in public view.