Two of my close friends who are both engaged to be married recently asked me to marry them.
God cringed, Buddha rejoiced and I don't think Jesus is speaking to me.
It was an honor to be asked of course since I've known both girls for more than 10 years. (They're marrying other men, not each other, just to be clear; but even if they were marrying each other, I would still do it only if they promised to videotape the honeymoon then have me sell it on the internet because as we all know girl on girl action is where the money's at. They would get a cut of the profit of course and maybe some website administrative rights, and now that i think about it, we have to write this all in a contract so no one would be confused or sue anyone and........
yes, hi .....what's that? digressing you say? To the point of babbling? Hmm. Duly noted.)
So after happily accepting and snickering to myself that they didn't know what they were in for. I hopped on the internet to get ordained (thank you that one episode of "Friends" when Joey gets ordained online for giving me this helpful info) and within five minutes I was a reverend of the Universal Life Church Monastery. I think I'm going to buy a ring so all of you can kiss it when you meet me. I wonder where one can find a ring with an asscrack on it? Ebay, definitely ebay.
It's a non denominational church of course because I had no choice. The other religions required me to actually go INTO their church and the last time I did that smoke started to emanate from my pores like I was going to burst into flames. The priest at the church threw hot water at me and said something about the power of Christ compelling me...it was so weird....
So now that I'm official, the next question is.....what does a respectable member of the clergy wear to officiate a wedding???
Nice, but will they have it in my size?
I've always wanted to go out in public in full on Geisha gear when it isn't Halloween because I love the outfits and I want an excuse to take teeny tiny steps when I walk and learn how to flirt with my wrist. But then I realized dressing up as a Japanese hooker to a wedding might not be a good idea. (although I googled Geisha on the internet and apparently they are NOT hookers, they were trained entertainers....so yeah. Tomayto/Tomahto.)
I want to look nice but I also want to look "official" so that if you were a member of the wedding party and see me walk across the room, you'll think, "yes, that's her, she's going to officiate the wedding! Let's go kiss her asscrack ring before it starts."
So any ideas would be helpful. Bear in mind that I MIGHT be pregnant at the time...(yes, yes, we're planning on number two because we realized there has to be four of us to complete our world domination.)
I just don't want to look like this:
Because I look like that every day and as I said before, I want this to be special.