Tuesday, April 25, 2006

MISSING: One Eyeball. Reward If Found.

Yeah, two posts in one day.
I've gone MAD I tell YA!! MAD!! (insert snooty British accent here)

Anyways....on with the show...

Everyday, this is what I think about..

...which damn bills do I have to bend over for today?
.....didn't I JUST WASH those clothes and/or dishes!? How come they've turned into Mount Everest again? ..wait...is that a mountain goat climbing on my colander and/or underwear?!"
... check my email to see if I have work and have this inner argument with myself:

Lazy Laine:"Please don't let there be work.. please oh please oh please...." Uptight Ass Laine:"Don't say that! You need the hours and the money!"
Lazy Laine: "I KNOW.. MOM. sheesh. a bitch can't say nuttin' round here..." (lazy laine is kind of ghetto..)
Uptight Ass Laine: "Well I'm just sayin'.... you bitch when there's work and you bitch when there's no work!"
Lazy Laine: "Because.. the money should just come in the mail because I'm an awesome awesome person."
Uptight Ass Laine: "Getting checks because you're an awesome person? That's only like one check a month, we'd still need more money than that..."
Lazy Laine: "Piss off."

So the usual crap as you can see. BUT (you KNEW there was a but, don't act so surprised) also on a daily basis, I often wonder...

"What would I do if my eyeball popped out?"


I know what to do when someone is choking or if someone cuts off a finger, even if someone swallowed some toxic window cleaner ...(Point and Laugh. DUH.)...
But what would you do if, OOPS! Something jams your eyeball "just right" and bam, you're playing hacky sack with that bitch? A fun game sure, but after playing around with your dangly eye, at some point, you're gonna have to smoosh that baby back up in your head. So what's the eyeball protocol? If you hold your eyeball all the way to the hospital, it's gonna pick up some lint and then DRY OUT on the way there. It would turn into a shriveled thing that the doctor will gape at, but since he doesn't want anyone to think he's incompetent, he shoves it back in there and calls it good. Then (gasp) tragedies of all tragedies, you'd be dubbed "raisin eye" much to the guffaw of your friends and family AND you have a giant eyeball surgery bill that you can't pay for. SO, you end up going to the court t0 sue that bastard doctor for your shriveled eye. He claims you're totally faking the funk for the money and your eye is in better shape than it ever was! You try to plead your case, but the judge, jury and lawyers are all laughing their asses off because your raisin eye keeps falling out of the socket everytime you get worked up. You attempt to have a sidebar with the judge but your eye falls out again and you step on it like a dirty roach. So there you have it. You ruined your chances of ever recouping your eye and lose the case because hey, lets face it, you just stepped on the evidence.

No eyeball. Still stuck with a giant bill.

I really want to avoid this.

I'll stop......I'm kind of scaring myself.
Maybe posting twice in one day was a mistake.
I'm gonna go sniff my Madonna ticket now.

Carry on.


Shannon Bieger said...

ROFL mountain goat on your laundry. My pile is so big that the mountain goat is buried UNDER my laundry!

Lightning Bug's Butt said...

I saw Madonna's Raisin Eye once.

Riss said...

Do you put it in a glass of milk? That's what you do with a tooth so they can put it back in. Or maybe on ice in a cooler? That's what you do with a finger or toe.

J. said...

Crazy chick....

Maybe you're sniffing those tickets just a little too much?

Debi said...

Okay, good question about the eye. They don't even cover that in "worst cast scenario." I'm SO asking my doctor! I refuse to be the glass eye girl - "yeah, she's nice, but what is WITH that eyeball?!"

Elaine said...

Shannon: I've named my pile, Mt. Procrastalazy. he

LBB: I don't think that was Madonna's eye you saw....lucky....

Riss: Yes, I've heard the milk theory before.. but omg. I can't imagine dunking my eyeball into milk, I can't even put visine without flinching...but I guess if my eyeball popped out, it wouldn't really be a big deal to put it in milk.. still...ewwww.

J: sniffing tickets are cheap and fun. (cheaper than the actual ticket, did you see the price tag on that bitch??!!)

Debi: see? I'm here to raise awareness to a good cause.

Alyson said...

hahaha, did you see you got voted 6th most likely to be the antichrist on Erick's blog? Sweet! I'll totally vote for you. What's your campain platform? Because I think lakes of fire and eternal damnation are SOO overdone.