Tuesday, April 18, 2006

I Shore Do Love Them The Crazies!!!

I'm in love with Tom Cruise.

I was as disturbed by this revelation as much as you oh dear reader. I don't know how it happened but I can tell you that it all started when I watched this.......

(And the love affair began.....)

As everyone laughed at Tom while he jumped on Oprah's couch, I felt a stirrin' in me loins that only increased as time went on.....(my loins are super tired)

Then he told Brooke Shields where to stick her uterus after intelligently informing her that you don't need drugs for postpartum depression! There IS NO postpartum depression. Yeah bitch. Just work up a sweat and pop some Flintstone vitamins wench! Listen to Xenu WOMAN! I mean Tom.....sorry..

Then he flexed his midgety, yet delicious biceps, at Matt Lauer on morning television. His crazy, vibrating eyeballs and twitchy demeanor only made me want this man more.

As Tom grew crazier and crazier, my love for him only deepened. I fantasized about Tom jumping on my kitchen table in papal robes, calling me a glib and declaring that I was infested with alien seed before scurrying under my bed to hiss at me. I confess that it was a fantasy that I gave into almost every day when Brad refused to don papal robes (I had some in the closet) and gave me a weak argument about being "too big" to jump onto the kitchen table. "NONSENSE!" I screached at him. "TOM isn't too big! TOM could do it!!!" It was then I knew I had hit rock bottom.

I began to wish that I was the one that he had taken hostage. I wished that he had impregnated ME with holy Cruise Juice and made ME an adult pacifier to GNAW on while I gave a "silent birth" to his super Dianetics baby. WHY NOT ME TOM? Why oh why??. Please purge me of the evil that Xenu has spurned upon my body and the body of millions of earthlings!

They do not know.

They are glib.

I love you.

Last but not least, Tom, please know that I mean it when I say......

" bleep bleep boop di di di di grugh goooghr, needlenose banana pants."

That's just between him and I oh dear readers. It's a Xenu Thing. You wouldn't understand....

*it should be noted that my computer FROZE up THREE TIMES while trying to post this. At one point, I couldn't find the saved draft on Blogger! Coincidence???????
Behold The Power Of TOM.


J. said...

Okay, once I got over my crazed laughter at 'I'm going to eat you eyeglare' (I don't know why that set me off, but it did, giggling my ass off) I clicked the Xenu link. Holy shit are they for real??? I've never bothered looking into what Scientology is all about. I just figured it was one more crazy religion.
Heh, crazy is right.
Anyway, you cracked me up with all this, woman.

Judy said...


Elaine said...

J: they are the RULER of all Crazy Religions. Tom's still hot though....heheh

Judy: Exactly.

Dark Damian said...

"holy Cruise Juice".

I spit Tang when I read that. My screen is orange. Thanks.


Leilouta said...

I like your new look!
It is just you :)

Leilouta said...

I forgot to tell you that you were such a "Plane". Fish on you!!!:)

Elaine said...

DD: okay massah... right away massah... I'm cleanin' up the tangorade with my ASS. It leaves such nice marks.

leilouta: Awww you make me blush! Fish on you TOO! ;D

Lightning Bug's Butt said...

I don't know. I think TC is too nutty to still qualify as a sex symbol. My limit is Collin Ferrel.

CP said...

You know, I worry about you, Elaine. Every day, when I go to my house of worship, The Scientology Village of Clearwater, Florida, I pray for you. As soon as I can, I am sending you on a spaceship for a very sensual anal probe. I think you need to cleanse your aura.

Also? I am telling Madonna on you. You would rather get all Scientology with Tom then all Kabbalah like with Esther?

Oh for shame, woman. For shame.

By the way, check out this pic.

And to think I actually BLOGrolled you tonight. Oy.


Elaine said...

CP: after that anal probe last night, I'm so ready to be a Scientologist! Sign me up!
I can't do Kabbalah like Esther, some of that stuff actually "makes sense." I'm all about aliens and blaming evil Xenu. Damn that Xenu!!

hahaha! So you like going to the Galler Of The Absurd too huh? I love that picture!!

Shannon Bieger said...

OMG you have freaking out done yourself with this one.

erick said...

i'm dirtier for having read that and i didn't even think that was possible. these ideas intrigue me and i wish to subscribe to your newsletter.

Elaine said...

OH. My. God.

The ultimate of all ultimate bloggers commented on my blog.

Oh I bow to Erick and welcome thee.

I am not worthy.

Riss said...

I have to dig up the link I tossed up awhile ago, that has the best ever summary of what Scien(ce Fict)ology is about.


Reigning Empress of Teegeeack

coryandfarah said...

I know exactly what you mean when you say, "bleep bleep boop di di di di grugh goooghr, needlenose banana pants." You're too funny, Elaine! I really enjoy reading your blog.

Kim said...

... and now he says he can cure a heroin addiction in 3 days using vitamins.

Tom Cruise = WINNER

NeverEnough said...

Funny shit!! Kind of made me look at Tom a second time too...