Dakota Fanning is on crackwatch...and other mindless musings.

Mimi's gave us a 'free meal' due to our "Potato Funk Fest 09" incident at their restaurant in Chino Hills - a whopping 15 bucks. Um. Thanks - I think I can get another deep fried bug on a stick with a side of chum flavored potatoes with that - Brandie and I will have to share this time though.

I went to into the Rite Aid and realized it's that time of year again:


Peeeeeps! Crap, I forgot, I'm trying to lose weight. I'll just bite off their cute little heads and traumatize my daughter by giving her the leftovers.

Speaking of traumatize, you know, sometimes a cute little kid explanation never hurt anyone and someone needs to remind me of this. The munchkin asked me about her belly button and I went into this whole Gray's Anatomy schpeel about how there used to be a cord there when she was in my belly, yackity schmackity and then we cut it off when she was born because she didn't need it anymore, (I know! I can't believe I said this either) and it's best to cut the cord off now and not when she's in her 20s lest she becomes dependent on mommy and turns into Michael Jackson...blahblah...(I didn't say the last part out loud surprisingly.)

Her response was: "That's kind of gross mom." And then the next morning she told me she had a dream about how her cord was still there and I kept stepping on it! I apologized for the cord story and tried to come up with a cuter one filled with puppies and rainbows but she wasn't buying it. If I keep this up, I'm going to have to pair up the college fund with a therapy fund.

I found this picture of Keshia Knight Pulliam - the girl who played Rudy on The Cosby Show - and I can't tell you how refreshing it is to see a former child actor whose hair isn't plastered to her face with meth sweat and dried up coke boogs up her nose.


I applaud her parents; however I do not applaud the 1992 leftover prom dress that's she's sporting here.


I was going to blame Beyonce's mom for this tragedy but it's too tame. (FYI: Beyonce's mom is a 'stylistLOL' - that's her official title btw - LOL attached because she's so ridiculous). Keshia's dress doesn't have her signature gold foil fringes or a bedazzled brooch in the coochie area.


And I'm holding my breath on Dakota Fanning. It SEEMS like she's going to turn out all right but I'm still on crackwatch until she's at least 21.

Did you hear the chick with the longest nails broke them in a car crash? She's been growing her taint scratchers since 1979!! Heart breaking. I'm surprised she didn't impale herself with one of them! Now she's going to have to actually reach down and scratch her ass like the rest of us have to - on the positive side, she can finally pick her nose without giving herself an accidental lobotomy.


New show to watch? RuPaul's Drag Race on LOGO. If you don't have Logo, click here for full episodes. Seriously, you won't regret it. It's like ANTM only RuPaul's prettier than Tyra, the challenges are harder (they're automatically trump ANY Top Model challenge when you have to tuck your peen into the crack of your ass.) and the contestants have more fierce in them than the entire cast (present and past) of ANTM. With names like "Nina Flowers" and "Ongina" - I dare you not to love it. (True story - I bought RuPaul's album Supermodel of the World in 1993 when I still had no inkling that I was predisposed to love the gays.)

ANTM is losing it's oomph for me by the way - especially when the winner ends up working at a hair show in Watusi, Ohio the next year. (Is there a Watusi Ohio? If so, I'm totally moving.)

In fact, I don't really have a lot of shows I'm 'passionate' about lately. Any suggestions? Please don't tell me Gossip Girl or 90210 - please. If I want to watch pretty people who can't act have sex I can get that shiz in five minute intervals on youporn. That's what I've HEARD anyways..not that I've ever ..anyhoohas.....Those shows are like The Hills with a bad script....oh wait. The Hills does come with a bad script. (I was over that show a thousand years ago). Regardless. I don't care if I sound old. I want Wonders Years back. At this rate I'll take Dawson's Creek back....actually no, never mind, I don't want that Paula Cole's song in my head all day.

Too late.

Well that's it - just little nuggets of nonsense by yours truly - have a great weekend and Happy Valentine's day!! I know it's really hip to say this day is overrated and "you shouldn't have a day to say you're in love - you should say it everydaaaayy'' blah blah. Whatever. I like Valentine's day because of Valentine's day CANDY!! - and Valentine's day candy means chalky Valentine's day conversation hearts! YUM!!! (none of that sweet tart shit. I want the chalky sugar type!)
And really, if you're married, in a relationship or single, nothing beats Valentine candy. Except maybe when you're trying to lose some back and face fat. (ahem)

Damn it!

Okay, never mind. I hate Valentine's day too.

So Random Its Organized.

* What in the world do they serve in the water in Brazil?? I've scouted two models in the past couple weeks that were so gorgeous to look at, it was like someone had punched me in the gut and knocked the wind out of me. The first model I was scheduled to meet with with at a Starbucks. I got there before she did and was chatting it up with a couple next to me. When the girl walked in, a big bang was heard throughout the coffee shop because all three of our jaws hit the floor in unison. She was soo beautiful and tall, I thought she was a wax figure. I sat her out in the sun for a couple minutes to see if the melting would begin, but no. She was real. Amazing.
Last week, I scheduled to meet a guy near downtown and Hillcrest and again, he was from Brazil! So gorgeous I could barely talk and ask him the "professional questions" an unbiased and cold model scout is suppose to ask.

" Nice to meet you ...can you...ah.....wait...let me look at my notes here....what's the first questio..oh NAME! What's your name?"

Sad. I think the entire male population of Hillcrest followed him out of that Starbucks like a bunch of groupies - along with a couple of their hags. (Hillcrest is a predominately gay community in San Diego). So mental note, if you want to feel like a troll who just crawled out of a sewage hole, go to Brazil. Apparently, pretty people are grown and harvested there.

* Random Olympic sports make me happy. The Trampoline? Sweet! (I think that might be my gold medal ticket. I would fly. The bad girl of Trampoline! It's a Nike commercial waiting to happen people...) Ping Pong? Badminton? Double SWEET! (I'm ASiAN ....no reason needed as to why I love ping pong. Genetics. Hello.), when dodge ball becomes an official Olympic sport, sign me up!

* My girl Shawn Johnson, who has missed gold by the narrowest of margins and because the Olympic judges are blind, deaf and dumb, biased to under aged Chinese gymnasts "lean and graceful" gymnasts as opposed to short powerhouses like Johnson. She FINALLY won gold on the beam where lean and graceful don't mean shit. YAY for short, muscular midgets with no boobs!! (who are 16 and over!!...CHINESE!!!)

* And of course, yay for Michael Phelps, 8 gold medals, greatest Olympian of all time, blah blah blah, he is an amazing swimmer, no doubt. But he confuses me with a body like DAMN and a face like WHOA.

Bottom Half: Gold Medals - Top Half: Unfortunate

* Word has it that there's a transexual male on the new season of America's Next Top Model. It's so nice to know that Tyra's willing to share the spotlight with a fellow tranny. Yay for Tyra. She's not self absorbed at all. Nope. Not one little bit. And don't you tell me different.

* Thank god for Project Runway - what can I say? THE most amazing reality show for me because people who can sew are like flying magicians who poop Toblerone chocolate bars. I swear, if someone hems my pants, I gasp and start chanting hail marys, making signs of the cross because the magic of sewing is almost witchcraftery in its awesomeness. Combine that with a woman who wants to work with LED-THUH (leather) and pronounces as I spelled it, a gay man who's a tanorexic and another gay man who speaks of himself in the third person and you have the makings of the best reality show on television. That and the fact that Heidi Klum leaves a wonderful puff of cinnamon and sugar dust every time she appears on television....which is way better than the grease and bacon bit trail that Tyra leaves.

* And for those of you who missed the video I posted of the weighlifter Janos Baranyai having a bad day at the Olympics. Here it is via photos....

Janos lifts it up the massive weight over his head.

Um, I don't think my elbow is suppose to go that way...

Call me crazy but this doesn't feel right....

CALGON TAKE ME AWAY!!!!

Okay, okay, screw Calgon, I'll settle for Chinese doctors... Oh Chinese Doctors please take me to a drug induced land where elbows are made of rubber and cheese. Thank you.

A Fan and a Humidifier will DIE tonight.

It's a slow newsday celebritywise and to be honest, the hum of the fifty gajillion humidifiers and fans that are in my house is making want to gnaw my own ears off. (that would require a serious yoga pose but in the crazed state that I'm in, it can be done) Add that to the fact that half our roof is gone and you can see why I'm not feeling particularly clever at the moment.

On the bright side, insurance is pretty much going to pay for everything.
Can I get a woot woot?
or an Amen?
Even an old skool Arsenio Hall woof woof dog pound yell would suffice.

Plus, the humor of celebrity life is sometimes so hilarious that there's really nothing I can say to top it.

A fine example would be this:


See? I don't really have to say anything do I? Her orange julius tan (which goes very well with my template background I must add!) and her camel toe, high waisted pants say it all for me.

If celebs keep doing it up like Jessica Simpson. Fan Letter Friday will be reduced to just looking at pictures. On that note...HIGH WAISTED PANTS?? Please lord in heaven don't tell me these are coming back in fashion. Especially the ones that Jessica is wearing. What's with the puffy pleats in the middle of her crotch and stomach area? It looks like she pooted and then put them in her pockets for later use. (hey! John Mayer could be into that kind of kinky stuff. Don't judge.)

Or hey, check out my favorite poseur:

Again, who am I to add to genius such as this?
Avril's look is really nailing that "girl next door that works minimum wage at the mall but at home she's the lead of her garage band look. "
And by band I mean, keyboard.

Seriously. There's nothing going on. Go to Perez Hilton or Dlisted.com and you'll see. Not a damn thing. Britney Spears..yeah yeah, she's a nutjob, Paris Hilton, SLUTEROOSKI, Lindsey Lohan...zzzzzzzzzzzzzzz....

So lets see...what else...oh! ANTM is down to its top 5. This is the first season where I keep changing my mind on my top three. Brit has always been on my list, Dionne has been on my list since the third show but it's a toss up for the third chick. First, I did NOT think Natasha would make it this far but she is impressing the hell out of me. A betting man would bet that the top three would be Brit, Dionne and Natasha.
But call me crazy...
I'm pulling for Jaslene. Yes, I know she has a mean accent (I love it) and god, she does look like she's totally taping some peen between her legs however, I just love her. I can't explain it but I do.
Go Team Tranny!

OH ...and next Saturday I'm going to see this biatch in concert in Phoenix, AZ.



Whoo hoo! And this time I'm bringing a video camera so I can maybe post my vacation hijinks on the blog. See? Always thinking of YOU dear reader. Always.

And finally...tell me why I got overly excited when i saw THIS.

Why do I love her so?? and check it out, you (I) can get an autographed picture for 20 bucks???!!!

SOLD.

Now go buy me a piece of Joyce will ya?

Its 4/20 today! Double PUFF PUFF and an exhaaaallle..
Have a great weekend everybody!
Fan Letter Friday will be back next week.
Stop the hate.

I Am Hollywood's Mother, Father and Baby Jesus...

Whoo Hoo! It’s Friday ya’ll….which really doesn’t mean much of anything when you’re an SAHM… but I’m feeling decidedly chipper on this fine day and I don’t know why. Maybe I’m getting a little bit of a high from my hearty “FrenchVanilla” Slim Fast breakfast. “French Vanilla” being in quotations because apparently, at the Slim Fast Corporation, French Vanilla is another word for sweet and sour cheese. Yes, I think that’s a more appropriate name for their French Vanilla shake, Sweet and Sour Cheese or, even better, Paris Crotch-Roma Blast.

Wow. I think I might have brought my own Friday giddiness down a notch.

Yeah, yeah, I’ll shut up and get FLF started.

Speaking of Paris.....

Dear Paris,

I could write a letter to you every single hour; however, I know that anything past the Dick & Jane level would cause your head to explode. (Damn, I should really write you more letters..) But I HAD to write because I think it’s time for you to come up with a new face. Everyone is getting a little tired of you doing a facial impression of your saggylicious vajayjay. Really, if you had open sores and flies buzzing around your head, the look would be complete. But on a positive note, at least both are “open” for business 24/7right??…..however, it's unfortunate that you can park a truck in both of them too.
So much for my positive spin.
And btw, drugging a gay guy to go out in public with you is just mean. I think you should at least warn him that later on tonight his privates are going to melt off for breathing in the airborne herpes cloud that follows you around. (much like Pig Pen’s dust cloud…but different….. and with crabs…)


Oh Paris my dear.
Why haven’t you set yourself on fire yet?
Take Nicole with you. She’d make great kindling.
(But please do it in an open field! God forbid we breath in the fumes, get Chlamydia up our noses and an irresistible urge to have laxatives for lunch.)

Love, Me.



Dear Kate Moss:

It's completely your business if you want to be engaged to a guy who thinks taking a bath and taking a shit can be done at the same time and place. However, do the rest of us a favor and keep him in a cage or at last borrow a veil from one of Michael Jackson’s kids and drape that trash heap before he slithers into the public eye.
You can also introduce him to a great invention called the toilet paper and tell him not to go scratching knuckle deep into his ass before wiping it. It is a lot like potty training all over again but when you’re the offspring of cousins, things process a little slower in the brain. Those open sores look pretty bad too. Take a moment to look around and see if Paris Hilton is nearby or has recently been there. She leaves noxious fumes and toxic residue that will melt your skin right off. If Paris is nowhere to be found, take a look and see if he’s “cooking” anything on a spoon. That could be a big reason he’s digging “ants” out of his skin. (Drugs are soo cool !)
OH! And most importantly, don’t forget to spade or neuter.

That being said, tell him thanks for making me stick to my diet.
Now excuse me while I go and clean up the vomit from my computer.

Love, me


Dear Tyra,

Don’t even get me started on this season’s “stellar” model hopefuls. (and of course, by “stellar,” I mean, “trailer park.”) I’m disturbed by the fact that I have to choose between a mail order bride (“Nata”) and an obvious ex-drug addict who sounds like Grover (Jael) to be America’s Next Top Model. And what’s with all the baby mommas on this episode?? Don’t get me wrong, high five to them for being all svelte and fit after a baby (those darn teenagers sure bounce back fast from childbirth!), I just want to know if a Caesarean scar is the new black or something. Is this some new fashion trend we should know about?
But yet, somehow, this show is more entertaining than EVER, despite the fact that you choose to dress like a stoned out Aunt Jemima during the judging. (seriously with the headbands!?! and Chaka Khan hair??...looking at you is simply exhausting.) Who knew that an aging ...and fluctuating.. ex-model was a t.v. producin’ genius? I applaud you Tyra and thank you for my weekly brain junk food.

(FLF notes to ANTM Girls)

Dear Jaslene,

Please girl, step up your game! Just thinking about a tranny winning ANTM and getting a contract with Cover Girl fills my heart with joy that is indescribable.

Go Jaslene!

Love, Me.


Dear “Nene,”

When Benny Medina said that you had a “dirty sophistication,” he meant that you were a lot like a toothless crack ho on the street that splurges on Boones Farm after a full day of hand jobs and recycling cans.
Dirty sophistication indeed.

Love, Me.



Dear Dionne,

I love you.

Love, me





"WHATEVA!!"

This show is trash folks....TRASH.
And I'm the stinky homeless bitch diggin' through it looking for a half eaten sandwich.

HAVE A GREAT WEEKEND!!!