Pee On The Bed or Brave The Scary Bathroom? My Midnight Dilemma

My first post for GB:2 Blog On. This week's subject: MIDNIGHT.

(yes, I've signed up for another weekly blog subject thingy, I'm doing two now. shut up.)

When the midnight hour comes around and I find myself still awake I have a slight panic attack.

The first thought is ...shit, I have to go to bed, the little one is going to get up early and I'm going to be a zombie the whole day! Must. Go. To. Bed!

Then the second thought is....crap, I'm not sleepy. And double crap, now I'm too busy thinking about trying to sleep and getting myself all worked up to even THINK about being sleepy.

Third thought is...hmm, maybe I'll go into the living room and watch Ice Loves Coco, because Coco's enormous, out of this world ass makes me think of overstuffed pillows and overstuffed pillows make me sleepy. Yeah, that's a good idea. Let's do that!

Then as I get up out of bed I think........wow. ...um ...it's kind of quiet. Hmm, it's kind of dark too, especially in the hallway. Remember that one part in the movie where something walked across the hallway....

And then in an instant, I'm wide awake scanning for shadows in the hallway.

Midnight and my imagination is not a good combination (oooh I'm a poet and I don't know..ok ..ok...I'll stop.).

I think I might have somehow overloaded my brain with creepy content back in the day. For as long as I can remember, I've always loved scary books, movies, I loved Twilight Zone, M. Night Shamabanana's movies (well the first three...) I remember I couldn't WAIT to watch the Blair Witch Project when it first came out (you can imagine how pissed I was when the scariest thing in the movie is the giant snot lined nostril that fills the screen for a couple minutes), I read every Stephen King and Clive Barker book I could get my hands on. Paranormal subjects were right up my alley too. I have been interested in U.F.O.s for as long as I can remember and I'm a sucker for ghost stories. In short, I just loved the thrill of scaring my own pants right off.

Now that I'm older, I'm pretty sure I've had my fill because if I catch myself awake at midnight, it is almost guaranteed that my thoughts will pull up some scary thing I had seen or read from my overflowing scary shit file and bombard my brain with it. This isn't particularly fun if at that same time that I'm scaring the bejeesus out of myself, I also have to go to the bathroom.

If this happens my fourth thought is...I wonder if I can hold this until 5:00 a.m.?

And now I'm wide awake, full of terror and urine at midnight. Not fun.

Usually I just put my big girl panties on (IE: turn on every light as I run from the bedroom to the bathroom.) and do the deed as fast as humanly possible all the while thinking of rainbows, puppies and Joyce Dewitt (because who doesn't smile when they think of kooky Janet Wood?) to keep from convincing myself that the girl from The Ring is in my bathtub waiting to jump out at me.

[Pssst....here's why I have turned into the biggest giant pile of chicken shit....Exhibit A: I was going to put a picture of that girl RIGHT. HERE. but when I googled the image...it was way to0 creepy to save on my computer. So I said screw it, you know what that girl looks like right? She's kind of damp? Long stringy hair? In serious need of a shower and some moisturizer? Always in a bad mood? Let's just post one of Joyce Dewitt instead!]

Damn. I think this is even scarier....

So yeah, midnight. If you don't find me asleep, you'll find me wide awake on the toilet clutching the toilet brush like it was Thor's hammer, ready to swing it maniacally at the laundry basket for looking at me funny.

And yet for some reason I still really really want to see Paranormal Activity. I'm pretty sure after seeing that movie, investing in a bedpan probably wouldn't be a bad idea.

American (Psycho) Dolls - Buy One Today..if you DARE!! bwahahaha....

Pop Quiz: Please circle what you believe to be true about the dolls pictured on this post.

A. Provided as an educational tool for children.

B. Overpriced piece of plastic masked as a "one of a kind" doll that you just can't find anywhere! that will still most likely end up being spit up on and banished to the bottom of the toy bin along with toys from McDonald's and some stale Cheerios.

C. Will end up sitting on top of your chest, holding a knife to your neck at 2:00 am with a curious grin on it's face that you could have sworn wasn't there when you first bought it.

Hmmmm....

Sociopath Sally, Doll with razor sharp ice skates, product number A54 - $85.00.
Sociopath Sally dreams of becoming a figure skater. But with loud voices in her head that constantly scream at her, she's less likely to slice a figure 8 into the ice and more likely to slice your head right off. When Sociopath Sally finally finds the courage to pursue her passion for figure skating, she learns what it takes to be her best, as well as how to threaten and stalk the judges and their families so that her scores at every competition are guaranteed to make her the winner everytime! Oh Sociopath Sally, you're such a scamp!

A Giant Pussy.

Contrary to popular belief, I'm not always the power hungry, man eating, martini swigging, cigar smoking gigolo that you put up on a pedestal. Sorry for shattering the dream but there has been many a time that my popped collar and irresistible sneer has wavered. Here's just 10 of them for you to remember and use against me later for your own benefit.

You're welcome.

1. My first night in college, I cried quietly into my pillow so my roommate wouldn't know that I had turned into a 5 year old girl that didn't want to stay at this sleep over anymore and just wanted to go back home so her mommy can tuck her into bed. Did I mention that my college was a only a half hour away from my house?

2. When Forrest Gump reads his son's letter to Jenny's grave? The midget immediately heads to Blubbering Idiot Street at Snot City U.S.A. EVERY TIME. Same thing with that movie I Am Sam.

3. When I ride those people movers at Disneyland, large ferris wheels, ski lifts, or anything that's parts me from my dear friend, the ground, with very slow movement in a seemingly unstable way. Oh yeah, you can be sure that the ol' lip is quivering with fear... along with my butt cheeks. You know how most people get weak knees when they're afraid? I get the butt quivers. No joke.

4. Crossing a street with no type of traffic control device telling me that I'm not going to become someone's brand new hood ornament. Although, I don't necessarily cry as much as I run like Flo Jo and squeal like a pig.

5. The series finale of Three's Company. Shut up.

6. If I hear stories or see pictures of anything having to do with things poking into veins or broken bones, I cover my face and make a noise that sounds similar to a dying rabbit. For some reason, the hand cover and inappropriate animal noises is my self defense against things that might cause my brain to visualize disturbing thoughts. It doesn't work, but I keep trying.

7. Coachella 2006, when the midge tried with all her might to get to the front row to see Madonna at her first (and probably only) performance at a music festival. Instead I ended up outside the tent, crushed against the barrier, hot, sweaty with puke on my shoe and extremely depressed because the only way I could 'see' her was if I stood on my back pack. I think I saw her arm at one point. My tears smeared my 'Spank Me Madonna' sign. Twas' a sad day indeed.

8. One time I waited until the sun came up to go pee. Please note - I had just watched The Ring people. I was afraid that girl with the unfortunate hair extensions and swamp smell was waiting for me behind the toilet. (not Britney. I know it's confusing. Go watch the movie!) I don't really know why I felt the need to say that last part because any way you look at it, that is still an act of a giant POOHSAY.

9. If you want to see me do my best imitation of Jamie Lee Curtis in the movie Halloween, take me on those haunted walks, haunted houses, haunted whatever amusement things they have every year on Halloween. Nothing shatters the midget bravado (or soils midget pants) more than an part time college student with a plastic Freddy mask, jumping out at me from a particle board coffin. (much to Joey's delight.)

10. The movie 300. Because all those abs in one movie SHOULD bring a tear to your eye and make you say God Bless the Spartans. (and the stylist who is clearly a visual genius - and soooo gay.)

sniff....tears......joy.....and more tears....