If The Camera Adds 10 Pounds, how many cameras are actually on me???

I just realized that January is almost past us (whiplash. that was quick) and I have failed to put down some of my resolutions. I know, I know, it's so cliche and last year I totally rebelled and said screw resolutions! As a result I've put on some uh, 'additional pounds'. Yes, I blame my non-resolution havin' ass for the rotund person that stands before you today. And NO, the endless bags of Circus Peanuts and Tobleron bars had nothing to do with it! Don't EVER blame the sweets!

You've been warned.

I guess you see where I'm headed with this - I'm doing quite the opposite this year, not only do I have resolutions, but I went all SUPER DUPER cliche and added "losing weight and eating better" as one of them. Yawn I know. Only this time, I think I'm actually going do it instead of just writing it down somewhere and then using it as toilet paper the next day. So what's the difference between this year and the years prior where I've had the same resolution you ask? (in that all knowing, motherly yet doubtful tone.) In the past, I've always wanted to lose weight but it was MAYBE 5 pounds here and 10 pounds there, which was the difference between eating 2 Circus Peanuts instead of 5 Circus Peanuts. (I'm really craving those sugar bombs right now, can you tell?) - It was never anything a little starvation and diet pills couldn't shart out of me in about a two weeks, so I never took it too seriously. Well - all that yo yo sharting finally caught up with me, the 5 pounds turned to 10 pounds, turned to 15 pounds and turned to .....(brace yourself)....... 20 POUNDS!!!

20 pounds is bad enough on a normal sized person but 20 pounds on a midget puts me at defcon oompa loompa and Operation Don't Be A Fat Ass is now in full effect.

What really forced me to join my friend Kim's aptly titled "Operation Don't Be A Fat Ass" resolution wagon was that I had a lot of events that came up last year - three weddings, two of which I was the 'reverend' and a cruise - and all of which required a lot of video and photo documentation. In almost every picture taken of me, it appeared as though a swarm of bees had descended upon my face and body and stung the shit out of me seconds before the picture was snapped. I looked like I had eaten my skinnier self with a side of fries. In other words, I have turned into a swollen, puffy muffin - I'm a puffin:


Well except Puffins are cute and I, with my extra 20 pounds, cannot be called cute at the moment.

Roly poly? sure. Chubbles, ruler of all fried crap with cheese? Perhaps. But cute, NO.
And yes, I do admit, as much as I don't like to place blame - the sweets and starchy delicious crap I ate with abandon MIGHT have had something to do with the extra jiggle in my jangle.

So goodbye Circus Peanuts - you know I still love you but it seems whenever I do love you the most, the rewards are fleeting and the consequences linger (mostly in my mid-section and my face). The same to you House Special Beef from Pick Up Stix, giant Tobleron chocolate bar, Little Debbie zebra cakes, 99 cent spicy chicken sandwich from Carl's Jr. - for such a cheap little whore, you sure loved me good - alas it hurts me to say goodbye to all of you. I know I'll see you again, (in moderation) but it'll never be like it was before. Sniff.

And this year, much to my surprise, I've welcomed...(gulp) ... RUNNING into my life. I'll admit, it's still in the sucking stage where it feels like someone has stuck blazing hot metal poles in my shins and I die a little inside. But after slowly working my way up to 3 miles last week (with a lot of help from my friend Sandy who has lost a whopping 50 pounds since October) and not collapsing into a puddle of broken bones and tears, I will keep at it until my shins are numb from the pain. Hopefully, this tired ol' resolution won't make another appearance next year.

Anyone else on the lose weight resolution wagon with me? Let's help each other's fat asses try not to fall off this year!

Keeping Resolutions is like, so last year. Totally.

At first I thought I should post something about resolutions and how to keep it, but who the hell am I trying to kid here? I'm not exactly an expert on keeping resolutions. (Ladies and Gentlemen of the Jury please turn your attention over to Exhibit A: the last ten pounds I've been trying to get rid of since the munchkin was a babe.)
However, I am an expert at NOT keeping resolutions. So I'm sticking to what I know. Take notes as the master resolution breaker is about to speak.

1. Set unattainable goals.
Anything goes on rule number one. You want to find a job where you can sit at home all day and just collect the checks in the mail? Go for it! Is this the year you're going to be a dead ringer for Angelina Jolie? Reach for the stars my friend! Kick Kate Middleton's ass to a bloody pulp, marry Prince William for yourself and become a princess? But of course your highness! Anything goes because we all know it's never going to happen and at the end of each year, you can always blame your failures on the fact that you set unattainable goals. It is a win/win situation!

2. Make last minute resolutions.
Nothing guarantees a broken resolution like the ones made at 11:30 p.m. after your fifth glass of Long Island ice tea. 9 times out of 10, you won't remember them and they'll be effectively broken at the stroke of midnight when you scream out happy New Year, french kiss your own hand and pass out in one of the bathroom stalls.
If you accomplish this, you are on your way to becoming a master resolution breaker daniel son.

3. Be half ass in your commitment to change.
Commit to going on a diet on January 1st but don’t' change your grocery list. Of course you can still have that bag of Funyuns. Just eat half the bag instead of the whole thing silly. What's that? A bag of Reese's peanut butter cups are for sale for a dollar! Only a fool would pass that up! You know what? Why don’t you just start your diet next Monday? Do this throughout the year and not only will you not lose weight, but you might add on a few more if you're lucky.

4. Always have a chock full of excuses ready to fire at a moment's notice.
An easy way to break a resolution is to always have a good excuse. For example, the tried and true, " too busy to work out," excuse never fails… (even though somehow you find the time to watch all five episodes of The Hills that you have recorded on your DVR.). And really how can you keep your "be nicer" resolution when that asshole just cut you off and took your parking space? He only has himself to blame when you key his car later.

5. Talk the talk but please don't walk the walk.
A lot of talking and boasting about how this time you're going to stick to your resolutions not only gives everyone the illusion that you're doing it, but if you talk about it enough, you'll actually believe that you're actually doing something as well. (actually that's a lot of actuallys...) Being completely delusional buys you time until the next year rolls around and then you can make new resolutions to talk about. Being delusional also makes you want to eat economy sized bags of Cheetohs on a daily basis, go commando under a short skirt, shave your head and perform at the VMAs while completely high on Vicodin and Starbucks frappucinos,
but we'll talk about Britney later…

So there you have it, five surefire ways to break all your resolutions before the second week of January.

You're welcome.

But reader be warned! Read and follow the rules EXACTLY because if you accidentally do the opposite, you might (gasp) actually keep your resolutions and feel a sense of accomplishment or something at the end of 2008.

Happy New Years everyone and here's wishing 2008 to be double the awesome that 2007 was! (Or if you had a shitty 2007…get over it, at least you made it to 2008! Count your blessings, go have a drink and cheer up you ungrateful biznatch). Have fun and be safe! Especially to the poeple going out and braving the crowds tonight. Keep the party in check because you don't want to start New Year's day sitting in a drunk tank with Olga "The Fister" winking at you from the corner of the cell.