Age Vs. Pamela Anderson, Round 15. Guess who's winning?

Spontaneous FLS! WHoot!


To My Darling Pam,

Thank you Pam – I’ve always wanted to know what a moose knuckle would look like if someone bedazzled it. I don’t know what’s more disturbing, me having odd thoughts about front wedgies or seeing your snatch having a light lunch with your leotard. I vote the latter but it was a pretty close race. After seeing this picture and peeling my eyeballs from the back of my skull, another thought occurred to me. How are you going to take this thing off dear Pam?What with the Kid Rock and Tommy Lee residue you’ve accumulated over the years leaving your body permanently sticky and smelling like beer soaked cigarette butts, I really hope you had an extra hand available to help you pry open your vagijaws to get it out – I’m sure it was a lot like pulling apart a grilled cheese sandwich.

And on that note, I’m going to gargle out the vomit from my mouth and scrub my eyeballs raw. TTYL!


With Love,

Yo Momma



To My Darling Jennifer,

Okay, okay, I get it. You have a new movie coming out. If I promise to go see it, will you please stop parading around with ‘he who sings with runny ca ca face?’ (It’s his Indian name). You might also want to tell him that during these stage photo ops, he should try and look like he’s happy to be with you, not like he’s about to be led to his own execution. Now, normally I try not to see movies with you as the leading role, because all the yawning gives me lockjaw. (EXCEPT Along Came Polly. High five on that one) – but I’m afraid all this shameless promotion will escalate to yet even more staged photo ops with your man-child - only this time you'll be dry humping his leg like a Chihuahua.

So YES! I will go see your movie!! There! Satisfied? Now can you please go back inside the house and tend to your Brangelina shrine? I know you’re day just isn’t complete without putting yet another pin in your Angelina Jolie doll and coating your Brad Pitt poster with fresh tears.

With Love,

Yo Momma.



To My Darling Pete,

Here’s a list of things I would rather do than hear you talk to Howard Stern about how much you heart penis vagina and how great your ‘sex life’ is with Ashley Simpson:

1. Watch Carrot Top work out in thong.
2. Listen to Kevin Federline’s ‘Popozao” song on a loop for 24 hours.
3. Handle Pamela Anderson’s used leotards and eat a sandwich immediately afterwards.
4. Make sweet sweet love to Star Jones. (Okay, I dry heaved while typing that.)
5. Touch Paris Hilton without a hazmat suit
6. Pop Danny Bonaduce’s steroid induced back pimples.
7. Listen to Poppa Joe Simpson inappropriately talk about his daughter Jessica Simpson’s breasts while he has his hands shoved deep into his pockets ‘looking for change.’
8. Look at Joan Van Ark’s picture before I go to bed.
(that link is not for the faint of heart)
9. Get my eyebrows plucked by this hot bitch:


10. ..AND a bikini wax.

Seriously Pete, I'm quite positive the only ‘sex life’ you have with Ashley Simpson was when she rear ended you with your flat iron because your three speed, hands free dild ran out of batteries -or when you and Papa Joe Simpson play ‘hide the gerbil.”

Stop fronting. You, my friend, are no Tom Cruise. At least Tom Cruise has the decency to make his wife look like a little boy.

With Love,

Yo Momma.


I know, can you believe it?!?! In between the Christmas shopping madness and the munchkin's birthday party, I managed to put together a semi-decent FLF for you guys! I'm a little rusty and for that I am sorry, but I figured I owed you guys something since I've been pretty much MIA on this blog for almost a week now.

Just don't start expecting it on a regular basis just yet - well unless Pamela Anderson keeps wearing things that make her crotch look like a stale stack of pancakes -then expect a post every other day.

FLF Tough Love. The Late Dinner Edition.

What? Did you think FLF was gone? Were you scurred??? Ayyyy, Pobrecita!
Well get that thumb outta your mouth and dry your tears dears, cuz you KNOW FLF is here. (bebox break)

Word.

Dear Pink,

First, let’s just get one thing straight. I love you. You know I do and I don’t care how much you’re starting to look like Spicoli.
I.
Love.
You.
However, I must admit, I’m a little frightened that your v-curb man abs ends with a mushroom cap tip if ya know what I'm sayin...You have a great body and thank you sweet baby Jesus that you didn’t get water balloon boobies on layaway like the rest of southern California, but maybe we need to ease up on the 500 crunches a day and possibly get a pair of sweatpants that don’t look like their hanging on to your boxer briefs for their dear life. (deep breath. Exhale. Whoo. run ons do tucker me so..)
Remember, I love you. Don’t beat me up or stick the tip in okay? I’m just saying this for your own good. If your husband likes to get a home style “colon cleansing” from his wife in the bedroom, that’s between you and him. But you do know that you can buy helpful tools for that activity at the store- don’t feel pressured to grow one out yourself girl. The ones at the store come in various shapes and sizes that I’m sure the hubby would love and they’re not nearly as hard to put away (or clean) as a real one. Ask Fergie. That bitch does not go anywhere without her double sided tape.

either way, elephant trunk or no elephant trunk, I'd still let you smack me around a bit. ;D

Love,
me.



Dear Peter,

First things first, the next time you use up all my eyeliner I’m going to have to smack a ho. You can buy that shit at Target you know, it should be in the same general area where you get your facial masks and tweezers.
But never mind that…what I really want to know is, do your teabags actually have to shrivel up and fall off for you to get the urge to make your eyes look like two piss holes in snow? or do you just have to have small jingle jangles to appreciate ladies makeup? Its admirable if you’re “secure” in your “manhood” and don’t mind looking like Tammy Faye Baker after running a marathon …in the summer ….wearing a polyester jogging suit. In fact, you know what? I take it back. You go ahead and be rock and roll with that eye make up. What the hell do I know? Take it up a notch and don some crotchless, edible panties, a hair weave and tie a silk hankie around your neck ala Mr. Furley. I promise you that you will be the Rambo of rock n roll and maybe you’ll be so overwhelmingly manly that no one will notice that Pink stole your sausage roll.

Rock on Sally.

Love,

Me.


Dear Bobby Trendy,

You look like a fat man’s fart stain after he’s eaten a pound of lemon starbursts. Nothing says, “Big Bird took a fat dump on my shoulder” like gold silk scarves from Wal-Mart. Recently you told Tyra what it was like have a vajajay and no boobs.
(sidenote: Tyra, really? Bobby Trendy as a guest? Was the Carrot top not available??)
Please stop lying about having a tuna Bobby. By the looks of your Claire’s Accessories jewelry, I KNOW you can't afford to have your peen detached and last I checked, an oral and some glittered covered food stamps do not count as a form of payment at the surgeon’s office. So just be honest, your mud diver shrank from sheer and utter embarrassment. Don’t be ashamed to admit it.

Oh by the way..
Are you gay?
Just curious because the glare of your Bonnie Bell lipgloss is obstructing my view.

Love, me.



That's it. That's all. After some recent death threats from three wonderful readers .
(me? Exaggerate? No.) I guess Fan Letter Friday is here to stay. Are you happy DD? Do I still have to send you a case of Tang?

HAVE A GREAT WEEKEND EVERYONE!!!!! :P