Taking our relationship to a whole new level....

Focus52 prompt for this post is "Line it Up" so I'm doing you a favor and 'lining up' some essential questions and doing a meme.

I realize my 4'8 stature is intimidating to most people therefore making it hard to ask all those questions they've been dying to know the answer to. Am I totally reading your mind or what?! It's okay. Don't be embarrassed. I'm a terribly interesting person so I understand the curiosity. Breathe a sigh of relief, because today is your lucky day.

Should I have passed out sick bags before making you read all that? My apologies. I had to hype up the post so you guys wouldn't notice that I'm totally copping out of the Focus52 challenge this week.

(shout out to LBB for the meme questions)

1. What must you do before you go to bed at night?

I MUST take my phone with me so I can read or watch something before going to bed. If you must know, I do my phone HARD. I honestly don't know how it's still working. I'm waiting for it to give up on this bitch. I do my grocery lists on it.I Facebook on it. I tweet on it.I take pictures and video with it. It's my alarm clock, my assistant, my friend, my therapist, my lover. If there was a penis app, I would give it a blow job but for now, I just fondle it relentlessly.

2. What is one thing you must snack on at the theater?

I LOVE popcorn with Reeses pieces in it. I have to physically restrain myself from putting the bucket on like a feedbag and only stopping to come up for air....and even then, I'd still debate on whether I want to breath air or continue inhaling the salty, sweet and peanut butter heaven up my face.

3. Before going on vacation what must you do?

Well BEFORE I had little people coming out of me, all I needed was a book and a snack. NOWADAYS, I will take anything I need to take to keep the little people quiet and amused during the flight. If I want to pack lightly, I give them both a Benadryl cocktail....now, now, don't call CPS just yet, I'm just kidding. Although, I've thought about giving the cocktail to the Viking hubby who turns into a nervous, pearl clutchin' Grandma when he's on a plane.

4. What is one thing you must do every day?

I MUST make all the beds. I am far from being a neat freak. In fact, 80 percent chaos is the norm for my house but the beds are always, ALWAYS made. When a bed is unmade in my house, I have tunnel vision all day and the only vision in that tunnel is the unmade bed taunting me and insulting my bed making skills....which isn't even that good. For all the stress that I put on myself for making the beds, I could at least be excellent at it, which I'm not. I fluff out the pillows, throw covers over it and don't even entertain the thought of tucking a corner or smoothing a sheet. What am I? Martha Stewart? So maybe I should rephrase my first sentence; I MUST have the ILLUSION that all the beds are made.

5. Is there something you do that must be done in a particular order?

Put on my bra immediately as my massive mammers are not allowed to EVER roam free. Drink coffee. Drop a deuce. Check Facebook. After those four things have been done in that order, I go about and proceed life with my pinky up like the lady that I am.

Now see? Aren't you glad we did that? I feel so close to you now. So close that if you were here, I would spoon you while we watched badly made movies together on Lifetime.

My One True Love. An Autobiography .

This week's Focus52 prompt was to CELEBRATE ME!!! Oh my, what a scary request to present to a short Leo gal such as myself (ie: insecure ego maniac who looks forward to job interviews because she sees it as another opportunity to talk about herself.)

So I wondered, if there was a party.. a party celebrating all things ME! Wait...wait...the thought of it is giving me a mild orgasm...uhhhh ...phew.... what would it consist of?

Well first, let's start with decorations, what kind of decor would celebrate me? My first thought is Circus Peanut streamers, hats, napkins, tablecloths and plates because holy stanky sandals of Jesus, I love me some of those toxic orange sugar bombs! They're unnaturally orange colored like Tang, shaped like a cartoon peanut, feels like dried out Play-Doh and has a banana-ish aftertaste. Did I just describe God to you? Yes. Yes I did.

Next up would be music and if you were ever a friend to begin with, you'll know that this is a no brainer. Madonna bitch and lots of it. And if you were ever a good friend that I've accidentally come on to after a exceptionally tall glass of Long Island Ice Tea (ie: all my friends), you'd know that you do not play the usual Madonna songs or just 80's Madonna songs (there's a real danger of a person getting choked when I hear the term, "I only like her old stuff." How can you only like her tired, overrated, one dimensional 80s songs when she has sang genius songs about cunnilingus , motherfuckers who are so two-faced that even the devil's impressed or having some fun with mental illness? HOW? You can't, that's how! You just never took the time to actually BE a FAN and listen to her brilliance past the True Blue album! <---- That was our friend pointless fucking rant ladies and gentlemen, give her a hand!)

After music would be food. What type of food would celebrate me? There would be several entrees to choose from actually because I refuse to encapsulate my fabulousness in just one meal. I love cheap fast food type Chinese food, so there would be bowls of orange chicken from Panda Express or Pick-Up-Stix with shrimp lo mein. I also like teriyaki beef from Lelani's, a Hawaiian restaurant here in San Diego, with their special teriyaki sauce which is thick, sweet, tangy and salty. The beef is served with hot steam rice. For dessert, I would have Ube ice cream. Essentially it's a yam ice cream. Please don't give me no gross face if you haven't tasted it because you just don't KNOW homie. It's an orgy with multi-orgasms in your mouth! (that probably wouldn't taste as good, like if you literally licked an orgy with a....oh never mind.) Notice how this paragraph was practically joke free? It's because the food is so delicious to the point of being deities that my usual nonsensical monologue would've been unholy.

Guests would mill around and talk about the wonky dimple under my eye that's different in a cute way and not in a sideshow bearded lady way, or how great it is that despite my short stature I have a giant don't have a Napolean complex but at all. They would partake in games such as Pin The Flat Nose On My Face, Am I Taller Than a Fifth Grader? and Creative Penis Euphemisms I Made Up Scrabble.

Oh what fun! YAY ME indeed!!

Finally, the goodie bags because dammit who thought it was a good idea to stop giving out goodie bags after a certain age? Anyways, my goodie bags would be a small thank you for celebrating me by inviting you to celebrate yourselves.


Tee.

Hee.



*This blog post was cut short because the author got hungry and went to go rape her face with massive amounts of food. We apologize for the inconvenience this may have caused you.

Adult Underoos are Sexy - Adult Diapers...not so much. I have no idea where I'm going with this title.

I was tagged by Christine with a meme and therefore I must perform! I know, I know...you're all like, sitting on the edge of your seats right?

I shall torture you no more...here we go.

SIX QUIRKY THINGS ABOUT ME:

1. I'm totally crushing on Steve Carell from The Office (and 40 Year Old Virgin..to name a few). Not only is he hilarious but he just has this cute puppy dog thing about him. I don't know what it is but I'm smitten. I don't know if that' s a 'quirky' thing about me, but he's 'quirky' so it kind of counts right???

2. I have to mentally tell myself not to go into Hot Topic every time I go to the mall. This used to be one of my favorite stores when I was in h.s/college. I loved their shirts but thankfully there's a very mature person in my head (who clearly doesn't make too many appearances) who reminds me that wearing a shirt with a pink sarcastic bunny saying "You Stink" is no longer okay for me to wear. It's kind of a sad reminder that I'm a grown up as I walk past Hot Topic and head to the more "adult" clothing stores that have crap like "pleats" and "blouses" with not one cartoon character to be seen. (Although I'm thrilled about my recent finds at the store - underwear that look kind of like old skool underoos - if I find one with Pound Puppies on it, I'm stocking up.)

3. My down time is usually right after I put the munchkin to bed but I CANNOT for the life of me, sit down and relax until the living room is clutter free. If there's a toy, a random glass on the coffee table a piece of string on the carpet, my attention will be focused on that one thing until I get up and throw or put it away. The same goes for the kitchen. If the kitchen and the living room isn't sans clutter, then I'm a bundle of nerves.

4. I have scheduled bitch sessions with my friend Debi every Wednesday, (which is her day off from work). It's usually just us catching up with each other, with a little piss and moan about work or whatever here and there. But still, it's so therapeutic for me. If I didn't do this, surely more people would be chopped up and stored in my deep freeze.

5. I would rather go somewhere than get something. In other words, I put a higher value on experiences than I do things. For example, if I were given a choice of going to Iceland or getting a fully loaded luxury car with all the bells and whistles. I would pick a trip to Iceland without a moment's thought.

6. I love meeting new people and talking to random strangers. (I know - shocking). I'm totally okay about going to a party and not knowing the majority of the people there (I have to at least know the host/hostess or the friend of the host/hostess because otherwise that's just being the big loser that crashes a party.). I am just generally fascinated by people, in fact, the more different you are from me, the more I want to talk to you and see what you're all about. Bonus if you speak a different language, then I am seriously the person who's busting out my English to (whatever language you be talkin') and try to crack jokes in your native tongue. This is why I can't fathom being from a place where my husband comes from. (Missouri) where most of the people I meet there have never even been out of the state and everyone knows everyone..which is kind of endearing and cool - but at some point I would die of boredom.

The Rules:
1. Link to the person who tagged you: Yo Christine!

.....and the rest of the rules I'm ignoring because I like to do a free for all tag. If I tag particular bloggers, other bloggers get jealous, fight for my attention and a riot ensues. So you want to get tagged, you just got tagged.

Sleeping & Circus Peanuts = Midget Drool

I saw this meme on Tinakala’s and Webmiztris' blog. Even though I wasn’t tagged, I thought I’d tag my own ass and take it because A. I’m horrified by the mediocrity that was last week’s Fan Letter Friday and I don't want that sorry ass post at the top of my blog, B. because when an opportunity arises where I can tag my own ass, I just can't say no and C. I’m trying to avoid my workout.
(so if you hear me bitch about "those last few pounds" please redirect me to this post and tell me to shut up and step away from those circus peanuts.)
mmm… circus peanuts……orange sugary goodness made of god knows what…yum.

My Six Sleeping Commandments:

1. Thou shalt have the fan on.
Not necessarily pointing at me, but I like to hear the whirring noise. I blame this all on the Viking hubby. He’s always hot so we always have the fan on. ALWAYS…even when it’s negative zero outside, that fan IS ALWAYS on and blowing right at his face.

2. Thou Shalt Have The Closet Door CLOSED.
Yes I’m scared of the closet monster. This is because I read way too many Stephen King books (and horror novels in general) AND I still have the imagination of a 9 year old. Plus, I have to walk by the closet when I go on a midnight pee pee run. I’m already scared that the kid from The Grudge is in the bathtub, watching me pee and waiting to pounce, I just don’t need the extra stress of the closet monster.

3. Thy Bedroom Should Be Cleaneth.
Or semi clean…nothing on the floor at least. Because if it’s messy, I just can't sleep. I’ll be laying there and Viking hubby’s undies will call at me from across the room:
"I’m dirrrrtyyy and just a mere few feet away from the hammmpeerrr..put me awaaaayyyy with the rest of my dirty clothe brethren."

4. Thou Shalt Not Sleep In Thine Birthday Suit
I cannot sleep naked or near naked. If I’m naked I feel as if my hoo ha is extremely vulnerable to the outside world…specifically any creepy crawlies of any kind. No, I don’t have bed bugs or anything but you’ve heard of that true/or not true fact that an average person unknowingly eats X (5 or 6, cannot remember) amount of spiders a year while they sleep?
I don’t care if it isn’t true, I’m not taking a chance. Hand over those pajamas STAT. Spiders are not welcome at my Hotbox Hotel.

5. Thou Shalt Cradle The Sweater Meat
If you're a regular reader of my blog, you know I have a wierd thing about keeping my boobs UP. The only time I am ever without a bra is when I sleep, so I MANUALLY support my girls when I sleep. I sleep on my side so it’s not that hard to do the one arm support. I rarely if ever sleep on my back because I hate the flattening sensation that gravity gives to my boobies...like they’re being pushed towards my armpits. UGH. I cringe at the mere thought of it.

6. Thou Shalt Lay A Foundation For Thine Dreams
To ensure that I have a good dream, I usually like to kickstart them by daydreaming a bit before I nod off. I usually think of things that would please me (a million dollars and a bag of circus peanuts for example), I daydream about the trips I would take, where I would go, what I would do. I daydream about outlandish things like becoming a rock star…with my accordion, having dinner with Madonna who is then so enamored by me we’re like totally BFF after our second round of cocktails.
Like Totally.
For sure.
(Along with the imagination of a 9 year old, I also have the unwavering belief of a nine year old that all these dreams are totally going to come true..no matter how outrageous they are.)

So there you go.
Yet more evidence for the court that I need a nice padded room.
Also, feel free to tag your own ass with the sleeping commandments meme if you feel the need.

And finally I leave you with today’s Monday Wake-Up quiz. See if you can answer this pickle:

Birthday Wishes and Canned Tuna Dreams

Yeah, I'm not so creative with the subject titles today...but I don't want my previous post to stay at the top for too long cuz' most of you don't know what I'm talking about and apparently I have offended a few Big Gay A fans. My sincerest apologies..Big Gay Al rules, the Big Gay Al that I'm referring to was a complete ass...but seriously, enough about that...

First, I'd like to say HAPPY BIRTHDAY to my bestest friend JUDY! She's lives in another state right now so I can't celebrate her big THREE OH with her! Sniff. :(
I've known Joody Boody since the 2nd GRADE! We've done birthday parties for almost every year of our lives, slumber parties, bridal parties, bachelorette parties and baby showers. We've gone from our mud pie making stage, our banana seat bicycle stage, our "Are You There God? Its Me Margaret" stage, our NKOTB stage, proms, boyfriends, jobs, blah blah blah. So yeah, I've known her a long time and I think after 20 years of friendship, you officially become related.
So HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO MY SISTAH FROM ANOTHA MUTHA!!!!
Don't get too inebriated tonight Judy...because you know...you're not getting any younger....you're no spring chicken......
"the ol' gray mare she ain't what she used to be, ain't what she used to be, ain't want she used to be....." (*ducks and runs*).










Okay, so that second picture isn't the most recent picture ever..but damn, look how "awake" and energetic we looked Judy! hahahaha!


Last but not least here's a cool MEME I got from Jali. to use as a nice, happy happy joy joy blog filler.

First, Pick a band/singer and answer only using song titles: Madonna (shocking)

Are you male or female: What It Feels Like For A Girl
Describe yourself: Candy Perfume Girl

Your best piece of advice: Express Yourself

Describe your last relationship: Cherish
If it’s my current relationship: Nothing Fails

Describe your last crush: Erotic

Say something to someone you have a crush on: Where Life Begins (THE best song ever..check the lyrics..)

Say something to an ex: I’ll Remember

Say something to someone who hurt you severely: Love Don’t Live Here Anymore

How do you feel right now: I’m Going Bananas