Husky Women, Girly Men, and my old teacher's Alien Baby. FLF is so much fun!

To My Darling Brooke,

Imagine my surprise when I heard that you would possibly be posing nude for Playboy. Can you believe this whole time I thought they were known for putting naked WOMEN in Playboy? But hey, big ups to ol' papyrus scroll peen for deciding to really put the 'boy' in Playboy. Not to say you're not a gorgeous person Brooke, but I can't help but think you pick out your short shorts in the husky section at Ross. Actually, the more I think about it, the more I realize that this is a brilliant move because now you can really be the crossover star that you've always wanted to be. You'll grace the covers for Playboy (tucked) and Playgirl (untucked)!

If this does happen, just make sure your dad doesn't come with you - it is such a bitch to have to airbrush his hands off your ass. Lord knows they're going to be plenty busy airbrushing your testies 5'clock shadow jawline so they can try and soften you up a bit Brookehilda.

So yeah, I can't wait. A blonde with big boobs in Playboy - who would've thought the magazine would take such risks?!

With Love,
Yo Momma.

To My Darling Sarah Jessica Parker,

Oh my, why the long face SJP? (hee). Is it because Star is reporting that your husband is cheating on you with some 25 year old woman who's a camp counselor? Don't fret dear Sarah, you know how inaccurate Star is about reporting these things. Because I'm pretty sure when they said "camp counselor" and "woman"- they probably meant "effeminate hairdresser" or "Nathan Lane." There is no way my girl Matty would be cheating on you with a woman. Although, give the gal a break and have him wear the heels or raid your closet once in a while. Lord knows he spends enough time in his closet - he could use the change of scenery.

So please, stop crying and binging on those sugar cubes and oats. Dress yourself up, brush your mane and go give Matthew a night of unbridled passion.

Neigh.

I mean, With Love,
Yo Momma.

To my darling Mr. Ferguson,

What are you doing on Perez Hilton.com? Shouldn't you be in school coaching the football team whilst wearing those uncomfortably and inappropriately tight "athletic" shorts you used to wear even in the dead of winter? (Although in California, winter is a day where the temperature is below 70. BRR!) Let me take this time to thank you for being the greatest student government teacher a girl could ask for. Most importantly, all those multiple "student government" passes you used to give me so that I could skip out on insignificant things like 'algebra class' and attend to more pressing issues like, do we have enough butcher paper to make a banner for the homecoming game? ?? So what if I still do mathematical calculations with my fingers, the most important thing is I write the world "homecoming" in bubble letters and in 3D.

Anyways, congratulations on your daughter Stacy's success. Although I have to admit when I saw that 8x10 picture of her and her 'band' Wild Orchid in your office, my first thought was, how could you allow your daughter to be in porn named after a Renuzit air freshener? But look how much penis she's grown! Who knew that premature aging (meth is great!) and peeing on yourself would be the secret formula to success?!?
I don't know Hollywood at all.

With Love,
Your former student and most unqualified class president in the history of R.H.S.
Yo Momma

I do love me some Mr. Ferguson, he was a great teacher and I hate to talk smack on Stacy but she just gives me the creeps. That face is so radically different from what she used to look like - its like that movie Men In Black where the cockroach alien takes over that farmer's body.

Please direct your attention to exhibit A.....

Wild Orchid Days.

Post Roach Alien Invasion.

Edgar from Men In Black, Post Roach Alien Invasion:


I rest my case. Where's Tommy when you need him! Roach alien exorcism is needed, STAT!

Have a great weekend everybody!!!!

Fan Letter Friday: The Post That Eats Like A Meal

Dear Danny,

I think it’s a well known fact that ginger kids scare the bejeesus out of me (‘cept you Kristi..you’re ginger's alright wit me). I have a feeling that after seeing this picture I’m not going to be able to sleep for about a week without having nightmares about your nubby red nipples attacking me in a dark alley while Carrot Top holds me down. I don’t even know where to start this picture is so disturbing but let me give it a shot....
You look like a rash with hair. Okay that's a good start...
Being ripped does not excuse the fact that you’re 5 feet tall and you’re RED.

ALL OVER.

As in your eyebrows blend in with your nose.

You’re that ripped Scottish guy on the Simpsons (and really, I think I find HIM more attractive). So work out all you want, but I have a feeling when you walk by you’ll never heard the word “sexy” or the phrase “ooh intimidating fellow”…no no, I think you should be prepared for comments like:
“oh god what the fuck is that?” or “So THAT’S Carrot Top’s dad!” and quite possibly “…so you see kids…that is why you say no to drugs..and vodka…and cocaine…and steroids…and No Doze.”

OH and while you were busy getting your pec and ab implants, somewhere on a surgeon's table you’re belly button is cold and alone.

Seriously, where the fuck is your belly button??..

NO NO! Don’t pull your pants down any lower you sick ass firecrotch...oh god...
I suddenly feel like flesh eating leprechauns are crawling all over me.

Love, Me


Dear Fergie,

Fergalicious indeed.

So did you one up yourself and shit in your pants this time? Is that why you have that “I smell my own shit” look on your face? Did you decide to skip out on the makeup to warn kids about the dangers of Meth? I think the saying, “bad from afar and far from good” holds true here…oh…wait…..that’s not how the saying it goes, I meant, “tranny from afar and far from being a chick”…wait wait..that’s not right, I think it goes ..
”goddamn you look like a dude.”

Yeah. I think that’s it. Happy penis tucking.

Love, Me.




Dear Avril,

It is truly an injustice that I haven't met you in a dark alley somewhere because if I did, the next day’s headlines would read something like this:
“Avril horribly beaten with a size 5 shoe by poseur hating midget. Midget says, “You’re next Alanis…ehhhhhh???!”

Let’s be honest Avril, my daughter rocking the Playskool guitar is more punk rock than you. Aren’t you married to that guy who used to screw Paris Hilton? I’m sure you’re enjoying that burning sensation when you pee and those pus filled blisters in your mouth sure does give you a lovely “teenage angst” pout, even though you’re already thirty. You are SO hardcore. I mean, gosh, you stick your tongue out at cameras! You are SO Sid Vicious (if he grew up in Orange County.)

Chrissie Hynde would eat you for lunch. THAT is a rocker chick.

YOU are an American Idol reject, a cast member of the The Surreal Life and more importantly, a future recipient of my Law (kisses right bicep) and Order (kisses left bicep).

(Seriously people, there’s just something about this girl’s face that has “kick my ass PLEASE” written all over it.)

Love, me.


Dear Alanis,

You SCORED THIS!?!?!?

(Danny, please take note of Ryan's BELLYBUTTON and the fact that IT'S THERE.)

HIGH FIVE You crazy Canadian pimp you! I didn't know you rocked it like that Alanis!
Okay, maybe I don’t have to beat you up....
Where’s Celine?

Love, ME.

*** EDIT: They broke up TODAY. Guess Alanis wasn't such a pimp after all. Okay, you're back on the beatdown list Alanis...You're safe for now Celine.
For now.

Now shoo everbody.. go comment before I come looking for you...
I know you're scared.

I can bite knees like no one else.

and my jaws lock.

Be afraid. Be VERY afraid.

HAVE A GREAT WEEKEND!!!!!