The Secret World of Good Green and Bad Green

Green is a color, the perception of which is evoked by light having a spectrum dominated by energy with a wavelength of roughly 520–570 nanometres (I'm going to assume that in the color world, Green is really well hung!) The word green can be used to describe the color of plants or can be used as an expression or slang. But little is known or can be found about the battle of the good and bad greens.

The quiet war between good greens and bad greens has gone on since Adam picked his first booger. When greens are little babies, they are forced to choose between being a good green or a bad green. The ongoing green war between being fresh and clean or rotted and vile still goes on in front of us everyday. Let me introduce you to the main players of both armies.

GOOD GREEN: Corporal Key Lime Pie.


Made from the most honorable of greens (a lime), this good green has been known to satisfy millions of tastes buds. The impressive combination of sweet and sour with the light and airy texture is enough to make you sit back with each bite to savor the flavor harmony humping your mouth. Key Lime is a green of high stature and quality that can turn your tongue into its groupie.

BAD GREEN: Head Commander Green Meat.


A truly disgusting specimen that not only attacks you visually, but in most cases, it also attacks right up through your smellin' holes. It zips by your nose hair as though they weren't there and kicks your gag reflexes right in the balls. Stay classy green meat.

GOOD GREEN: Super Warlock Cannabis.


Misjudged by many and secretly loved by almost everyone (AFTER they meet him.) This green is stoic, calm, peace loving and has been known to bestow its joy to everyone he encounters. Cannabis loves up everyone's Autonomic Nervous System, making it feel special and pretty. That in turn, expands the individual's breath, relaxes their body and oxygenates their blood, leaving them to feel cleansed, happy and peaceful. Unfortunately, there has been an old rumor following the Cannabis family for years that they are a green of the bad variety. This vile untruth has limited Super Warlock Cannabis to doing their magic with only a handful of people. (And by the way, Super Warlock Cannabis and Corporal Key Lime Pie totally hooked up.Oooh! Gossip!! We're bad!)

BAD GREEN: High Wizard Bile.

Ill mannered and bad tempered, this seemingly harmless liquid can pack quite a disgusting punch. A lazy son of a bitch that's usually quiet and does its job, it takes great pleasure having a night out right when you feel like it's time to turn in. After you've puked the entire contents of a liquor store out your mouth and all you want is a cold glass of water to wash the alcohol, rotting food flavor it left, bile comes in at the very end to kick you while you're down. It comes alone, with no other flavors to mask it's bitterness. Bile is a strong, bad green force that can take down the strongest of men just by showing up.

GOOD GREEN: Master General Green Hills of Ireland.


Majestic and impressive, the Green Hills of Ireland are so exquisite that a whole country mainly represents itself to the color green because of it's grandeur. Simply put, these hills are alive with the sounds and feelings of awesome. A beauty so powerful, you clutch your pearls in disbelief.

BAD GREEN: Ninja Sensei Money.


The most suave of all the bad greens, a master of disguise. Everyone has met him and everyone knows that, despite how many doors he can open and how many things he can purchase, he has the power to ruin lives, cause wars, envy and hate among people who aren't aware or choose not to be aware of his skills. He is used for both good and bad, but in the end, this is the kindling of choice to feed the fire of evil.

So there you have it, the green front lines. Imaginary non-informational nonsense brought on by fatigue, hunger and being slightly constipated. Reading this post was a lot like being front row to a Gallagher show isn't it? It seems like it should be enjoyable and hey, everyone's laughing so something's funny right? However, in the end, you walk away with sticky hair, a couple of watermelon seeds up your nose and the feeling of being slightly ripped off.

My Mind Subscribes To HD Cable and Tom Cruise Impregnated Me Over Dinner.

Santa Maria Cruise, Patron Saint of Batshit Crazy.

First of all, my apologies to Jali ... your Giants done good girl. In fact, it was probably one of the best Superbowls I ever done seen. I'm a sucker for underdogs kicking ass and to be honest, I cannot stand the sight of Tom "I left my girlfriend when she was 6 months pregnant" Brady. So the fact that Eli Manning handed him an ass whooping was quite enjoyable to watch. And speaking of Eli Manning, does that guy even have pubes? He's like 12 years old right?

So anyways, I'm sitting here not knowing exactly what I just ate but my stomach is not giving me good news about whatever it is that I did eat. I don't have to run to the toilet just yet, but I can feel something brewing in there...something epic ...something that I'll be telling my grandkids I'm sure, a papaw poop story in the making. This in turn has made me forget about what the hell I'm suppose to be writing about right now.

I think I was going to write about those guys who ride a 10 speed in all out Lance Armstrong gear who feel the need to ride their bike right in front of my car everytime I go to the beach. Rain sleet or snow, morning, noon, or night, you can count on them riding the Tour De' Yuppie at all hours. I don't get mad per se, I get annoyed sure but most of the time, my brain just goes into visualization mode and usually my head pictures the attempt of the biker to get into the tight biker shorts and tight spandex shirt they're wearing. They might dress like Lance but 90% look like less like him and more like a half squeezed toothpaste roll (no butt, big gut).
which ultimately leads to the worst visual of all....
"How smashed are his coin purses right now?"
ESPECIALLY sitting on that piece of padded metal they call a "seat." I know they don't sit on them most of the time when they're racing for the Pretentious Cup but you have to sit on them at some point right?

Visualization is a big problem for me. My mind is on auto visualization mode and I also have a bad habit of putting personalities on things. For example, let's say a girl with a muffin top dunlapping over her jeans walks in front of me. (yesterday)
A. I imagine her standing in front of the mirror desperately trying to see what she SAW that made that outfit a thumbs up for her. AND B. I picture her jean button holding on for its dear life, trying to keep those jeans together. This then goes into giving said button a personality...maybe he's an immigrant button from Romania who was lucky enough to be shipped with his other Romanian button friends to the U.S. for a prestigious jean company. He thinks, wow, this is the good life and he sits proudly on those pairs of jeans waiting with bated breath as to who his new owner is going to be. He's heard stories of buttons who have famous owners, so there he sits and waits for his Tom Cruise to come get him. But instead of an effeminate midget, he gets a 16 year old girl with a gift card and a penchant for the 13 piece chicken McNuggget meal at McDonalds. And then well ....here he is, hanging on by a thread.

that's as much as I can think of right now because another wave of Braxton shits cramps are coming.....

wait for it....

....
..
..
..

False alarm.

From the way it feels, I think I might possibly be giving birth to a half alien, half fish filet and rice pilaf meal. I knew I shouldn't have gone out to dinner with Tom.

I'm going to go sit on the toilet and see how this pans out.

Wish me luck but try not to visualize.

Life Wears Steel Toed Boots

You know when life unexpectedly kicks you square in the nuts and you didn't see it coming? Yeah that's what's been happening over on my end. Yesterday hit me square in the nuts and its really putting my optimistic nature to a challenge. Part of me just wants to moan, groan and ask why? Why the hell does it seem like everyone gets the breaks but us? I mean, Britney Spears can't even walk straight or put panties on and yet somehow that girl is spending what we make in a month on a purse filled with cheetos. Isn't hard work rewarded anymore? Because lately it seems like that's all we've been doing, working very hard and making minuscule progress.

When you're neck deep in shit, it's so tempting to wallow in it and find somebody to blame the crap on. Usually in situations like this, I'm always thinking, okay, there are worse things that can happen, at least you're healthy, you have your family, friends, you have a roof over your head. But when several piles of crap hit you in the span of one day, it's hard to stand right back up.

I'm not going to go into what happened for personal reasons, but it has nothing to do with any life or death situations, my marriage is dandy, the munchkin is fine...actually, in retrospect, it's a fixable problem but again, when the problem hits you suddenly, it takes a while to clear your head and look at it from a non panic perspective.
(can you tell this is a fucking money problem already???)

But I'm a firm believer in things happen for a reason and I think the recent incident that's happened lately is one of those things. Ultimately, it is a fixable problem and in the grand scheme of things this is piddly bullshit. It's a hard fact of life and a wake up call for us and we'll come out of this situation stronger and smarter. (I only wish the viking hubby was so positive, he's quite the opposite, he likes to wallow..which makes my whole "putting a positive spin" on things even harder, and annoying for him) Bare with me if this post is not my usual nonsense ramblings... I just needed to vent somewhere and sometimes when I write it all down, the problem doesn't seem as large as it is in my head you know what I mean? And I can see that after writing this post, I'm right.

So there you have it, a rare moment when I'm a big ol downer.
Sorry I had to use this blog (and you guys) as my therapists but it needed to be done.
Now someone go buy me an ice cream cone.