Can a have an Oscar Wrap On Whole Wheat With A Side Of Hot Tamales? Thank you.

I didn't catch the red carpet, I didn't catch the first hour of the show, I half-heartedly watched the second half and I didn't catch the ending. Oscars are sooooo extremely boring for me unless there's an actor/actress that's there that I particularly love. Or maybe if I'm actually nominated..but I've had a losing streak the past couple years. The academy refuses to recognize my artistic contributions to the movie Tiptoes. Sure sure, you only saw the back of my head and a glimpse of my face in two scenes..but they were brilliantly done. Anyone who's seen it actually believes that I'm part of the "party scene" and not just a mere extra. Then again, genius like that is often overlooked by the Academy. Sigh.
But there I go digressing...what was I talking about? Oh yeah..this year I totally forgot that the Oscars were even on and missed the pre-show, red carpet butt kissing that E!, Access Hollywood and all the other entertainment gossips shows have five hours before the actual Oscars. But thanks to my addiction that is the internet, I still got to see the Oscar fashions the next day and happily present to you:
The First Annual Elaine WTF Are You Wearing? Awards!!!
with your host........uhh, Me.
(audience applause..no stop please...no no.. you're too kind..sit sit.. the show must begin people..*embarassed laugh*.......audience reluctantly stops applausing...a few hoots and hollers from diehard Tiptoe fans....)

The winner for the "oOOOH so close.. yet not so much" award:


Jennifer Hudson. This a tired joke but I can't help myself.....Judy Jetson called and she wants her jacket back. (ha! knee slap) OR Tom Cruise called and he wants to know when you'll stop hogging Xenu's jacket and let him borrow it. (two knee slaps and a ha ha.)

The winner for "Big doilies don't make great dresses award:

Anne Hathaway. Great actress. BAD dress. Nuf said.

The winner for "Best Grim Reaper Accessory" award:


J-Lo sweeps the nominations for this and wins it everytime. Nothing accentuates how fresh and young you look like a cute dress and a dead guy on your arm.

The winner for "Eat your Heart Out Ryan" award:


Reese Witherspoon. Dress is hot. Hair is hot. Bod is hot. Ryan's a douche. The end.

The winner for "Iz your name Chew? Cuz CHEW are FWINE!" award:


Mark Wahlberg. Hotness-a-roo-roo. I had a Calvin Klein poster on my CEILING (thanks Neen) when I was a teenage pervert, (I'm an ADULT pervert now thank you very much) so that I may wake up to the wonder that is Marky Mark's bod. Even dressed to the nines..I think I can still see his six pack abs through that shirt...or maybe I'm dreaming. whatever. Just don't wake me up.

The winner for "Best Dressed Alien and Zombie Robot" award:


Tomkat of course!! Tom is CRAZY hot and Katie follows him along quite nicely. How did he hide her batteries in that dress?


And FINALLY the winner of "Will Never In Her LIFE score an Oscar but could totally score ME..several times...and hard...." is:



My girlfriend and her husband. Yeah, they didn't attend the Oscars..they went to a Vanity Fair party. But yeah, I don't really care. I LOVE HER in a very unhealthy way remember? For example, is it healthy to be thinking about being in between a Mr. and Mrs. Ritchie Sandwich??
No?
I didn't think so.

More pictures of my girlfriend..because I said so.