Magic Fairy Pubes

So Las Vegas and Mother's day was great! I hope you all had a great mother's day. To recap I went to a college friend's wedding in Las Vegas, she got married at the Paris Hotel and the more weddings I go to, the more I'm convinced that the smaller the wedding, the better. No worries about how the centerpieces that no one cares about look, no fake smiling and greeting guests you're somehow related to in a past life that you didn't even know existed until that day, etc. It was what a wedding should be, intimate and stress free. Anyways, blah blah, here's the viking hubby and I dressed at our best.



It's the hottie (viking hubby) and the nottie (um, hello). See that little head tilt I'm doing there so you can see right up my nostril? Yes, that is my sad attempt to "appear" taller...or at least within normal adult range. I'm failing miserably and I always fail miserably but I can't seem to bring myself to stop that head tilt and just embrace the midgetitus that I've been dealt with. Although I prefer tilting my head up instead of people doing the "pity crouch" when taking pictures with me. Nothing makes me feel more like a toddler than the "pity crouch." Please don't crouch down to my level, you don't want to be down here, you just stay up there and let me tilt my head up please. Thank you.

I loved that dress I was wearing because I got it off the rack and it fit perfectly! Being four foot nothing and finding a dress that fits right off the rack is a lot like finding magic fairy pubes in your cereal. (wha? I have no idea......) so yeah, a dress that needs not be hemmed means I'm going to wear the ever living shit out of that sucker. You can bet your ass I'm going to be the best looking chick at the Big Lots tomorrow.

Please note that the boobies are holding up on their own with no support. This is why I wear my bra ALL THE TIME. These types of events where I have to wear something sleeveless or tube top-y is like my boobie Olympics. This is the kind of shit the girls train for all year round.

After the wedding, we all had drinks at the Paris lounge later that evening. While drinking, I distinctly heard a child crying. I know, no big deal right? I mean you hear children cry all the time in public places but this was especially weird because it was 1:30 IN THE MUTHERFREAKIN MORNING!! The ass stains that were his parents thought that taking a 3 year old to a brightly lit, loud, smoky, oxygen pumped (did you know they pump pure oxygen into these casinos to make you feel "awake!") casino would be a wonderful family outing. WTF?!?!? They were sitting there trying to calm the kid down and it took all my strength not to throw my red bull and vodka at them. Um yeah he's throwing a tantrum BECAUSE he's beyond TIRED you shitsticks!
Vasectomy and sterilization for twat couple on aisle 3 - stat.

Dear Clairon Hotel in Las Vegas,
If the remote control only works when you're 3 inches away from the t.v. why even fucking tease me with it? Why not just have a t.v. with a channel knob, bunny ears and a sign above that that says, "you overpaid for this room and we're a bunch of cheap assholes that think housekeeping is throwing your pillows on the bed in every which way and re-hanging your wet towels back on the rack."

At least be up front with your half assness and price gouging. Sheesh.

Dear Cheesburger bite that I had at the 7-11 on our way home from the Paris,
You may look like a dirty, dried up piece of turd - but man, get a little drunk, put you in between a hot dog bun with some ketchup and lo and behold, you turned into a gourmet meal!
Thank you turd burger for satisfying my hunger and soaking up some of that vodka.

HEAVEN

Las Vegas Part Two: Britches And Hose

Tardy? CATCH UP AND READ PART ONE ....

No ID? No Problem!
It was time to use the mammary twins!

right boob: Oh hell no. Is she talking to us??
left boob: Yeah, I guess all the bright lights of Vegas got her thinking that its 1997 again.
Me: Come on girls! We still got it going on! We can convince this guy to let us in!
right boob: We're retired
left boob: Yep. That ring on your finger says so.
Me: I'm not asking for a full performance. Just look perky k?
right boob: We've been sitting in damp quarters for six hours. Perk this bitch.
left boob: (laughing)
Me: (to left boob) don't encourage her! Come on girls! You gals are REAL boobies..which is quite a novelty nowadays, especially in Las Vegas! This guy will let us IN and give us free drink just for that fact!
left boob: look around really quick, notice how its NOT Mexico? If you show him you have real boobs in Las Vegas you'll be kicked out of town.

My bitchy boobs had a point.

But as it turns out Belinda's best friend, who happens to live near downtown Las Vegas, also forgot her I.D. So instead of cattle prodding my hooters to stand at a attention, the guy promised to let us back in front of the VIP line after we come back with our I.D.s.
(This goes to show how long it has been since I've been out dancing. Before, a routine ID check ws mandatory before going out, now the routine check before going out is to make sure you have snacks and crayons. )

We came back with our IDs, got into the VIP line again and made it inside the Ghost Bar and later, got a free pass to The Moon. I had a great time dancing the night away until the wee hours of the morning (3:45 am! who knew I had it in me??). The second night was pretty much the same (except I had my ID duct taped to my hand), we even rolled like ballahs in a MGM Grand limo for free because I'm with the mafia. (and by that I mean, Belinda's friend worked at the MGM Grand and we got hook ups. But me being in the mafia makes for a more exciting read no?)

After two nights of dancing and people watching, I was so happy that I had outgrown the "club hopping" scene.

Several notable sights I saw at the clubs in Las Vegas:

A 22 YEAR OLD I spoke briefly with at the bar, laughing about how her botox treatment made her boyfriend think she was mad at him. Did I mention that she also had obvious lip injections of some sort? I was kind of sad after that conversation. Insecurity is bitch of a friend to have.
But of course after a Long Island Ice Tea, I got over it.

Fake boobies of varying sizes, shapes, textures and colors..I think I saw one girl's nipples sitting on her chin.

Douche flags everywhere. (guys with popped collars)

A girl joyfully screamed in my ear that she was 21 years old! I screamed "Right on!" and then I saw her celebrate the occasion in the bathroom line by letting a drunk guy give her a gynecological exam.
Classy.
Lets hope he used those free sanitizing wipes in the bathroom. (lemon scented!)

The classic "I'll dance behind you and pretend that I'm actually dancing WITH you" move that guys do when they haven't drank enough alchohol to get the balls and actually ask you if they can rub their penis on your ass to dance. Step off.

Really OLD men (like "can you be a dear and get my teeth out of that cup?" old) with really YOUNG women...the kind that you can get out of the Las Vegas phonebook. I guess you can call them an "escort" or an "oral engineer" perhaps even a "Happy Ending Technician?" Well..no..those gals are under the category of "Asian Massage."
Anyways. yeah. I saw a lot of those.

Ladylike dunlaps (belly "dunlapping" over your jeans/skirt/shorts/etc.) and backfat (self explanatory).
Which I wouldn't HAVE to see if you could mosey your way down to the LARGE section of the clothing rack instead of grabbing a small halter tee (barf) along with your cheeseburger and fries.
No, seriously. I don't need to see that your belly button is the size of a cereal bowl and that you have belly that shakes like a bowlful of jelly Santa. Thanks.
(Do these girls NOT have mirrors??? Or FRIENDS?? )

A crack addict that looked like gollum stepped in front of my car and motioned for me to roll down the window. (all fast and cracky like). Okay, so that didn't happen at the club but holy crap did she/he/thing whatever that was scare the diahrrea out of me! I threw some mints out the window (to distract it) and hightailed it out of there.
I know, I know, ...the proper thing to throw at crack addicts is rocks, but I didn't have any on hand...plus I'm sure her/his/its dealer will appreciate her/his/its minty fresh breath during their next transaction.

I'm sure there was a lot more that I'm leaving out, but did you know that Long Island Ice teas isn't actually TEA???
Yeah, that shit will put a midget DOWN for the count and make her forget things.
Just one glass to be exact. (so sad)

Anywhoo, I was back home with the family on Mother's Day to which I was greeted with a "Happy Mama Day, Mama!" by the munchkin and presented with a present that she had chosen all by herself, with no help from daddy. A beach towel and a round orange scented candle.
Why the beach towel I wondered?
"So we can go more to the beach!" was the answer that came forth from my munchkin.
Duh mom.

Then I was REALLY glad I had outgrown the club scene.

Hope everyone had a great Mother's Day!!!!!

Driving To Las Vegas Made My Bra Smell Like Chili Cheese Fritos...

It took me 6 HOURS to drive to Las Vegas.
The trip is suppose to only take 4 1/2 hours but with traffic and Yahoo maps sending me on a wild goose chase for my hotel, it ended up taking 6 hours. Did I also happen to mention that the air conditioner in my car stopped working about one hour into the trip? Which really wasn't bad while I was driving but most of the time I was sitting in traffic and car doubled as a sauna.

Lovely.

But as usual, Positive Me reminded myself that at least I was losing water weight.

Yeah. Even I was like, What the hell?! Positive Me has some nerve...but I was retaining water (Aunt Flo's reminder that she's coming and hell's coming with her) so the sweating was kind of good and Postive Me is so chipper, you just can't get mad at that bitch.

So anywhoo, by the time I got to my hotel, it was 9:00 pm. I was hot, sweaty, tired and my ass was numb. I looked and felt like I had just trudged through Africa....or Rosie O'Donnell had sat on me for six hours... same thing. I was tempted to just call my friend Belinda and tell her I'd meet up with her tomorrow. The Four Queens hotel room was a sight for sore ass.
There was a flat screen t.v., a lovely view of Fremont Street (I was in downtown Las Vegas), plush queen sized bed, room service just waiting for me to call and pay $11.00 for three chicken strips.....It took all my strength not to crawl under the covers, watch T.V. and order room service. But no, I was only there until Sunday so I had to start the fun asap.
I showered off my road ass funk, got dressed and took a taxi (I was SOOO over driving at this point) to The Palms Casino. I met up with Belinda and much to our surprise...we did that girly squealing thing when we saw each other...how embarassing ...but hey, I hadn't seen her in 5 years so a little squeal was in order. It was also Belinda's birthday that day and she had been working her way to a nice buzz since 12 in the afternoon. By the time I got there, she was rearin to go and there's nothing like watching Belinda when she's three sheets to the wind.

Our first stop, the Ghost Bar at the Palms, which is like on the 57th floor of the building with an outdoor balcony where you can see all of Las Vegas. It's so very Posh Beckham. Here's a picture of the balcony:

The bad news is that the line was forever long and usually the line of 'regular folks' have to stand around with a thumb up their ass while the VIP and Guest List folks breezed right in.
But I knew Belinda would pull us through. A little drunk talk and booby shake to the doorman got us into the VIP line and we were all in a tizzy.

Until I reached into my pocket and realized that, in my rush to start partying and my brilliant idea of not hauling around my purse lest it interfere with my dancing skills, I had only taken my credit card and my room key.

No driver's license/I.D. = no entrance into the club.

SONVABIAAATCHHHH!!!!!

Can Elaine manage to sweet talk her way into the club with no I.D.?
Does she have to do a midget boobie shake to get in?
Does she have to trudge all the way back to her hotel ??!?!
If so, how is she going to get back into the VIP line?!?!?!
Was Crystal Pepsi really THAT bad?

Stay tuned .......

(yes yes, its to be continued, don't get pissy...I have work from my actual job that pays ya know!? I must finish my work in order not to dishonor the family.
Well okay, the whole dishonor the family thing isn't really true..I just said that because I just watched Mulan.)

You really must learn to just ignore me sometimes.