Dear Circus: Why So Circusy?

I got a Ramen noodle up my ass today (they don't digest well sometimes) and I decided to take the munchkin to the circus before the weekend crowd came. The price was a poor man's pleasure of 12 bucks per ticket. Sweet. Especially since the munchkin would practically drop a hard turd in her pants whenever she saw a commercial for the circus, I knew for sure she would be excited to go.

I bought our tickets which was indeed 12 bucks but I should have known better than to think I would get away with a bargain. We got inside and the munchkin wanted some popcorn. Okay - popcorn, that can't be that bad right, popped corn kernels in a cardboard box? How much could that possibly be? Four bucks tops right?

SEVEN.DOLLARS.
For. POP.CORN.
I kept digging around in the box looking for gold nuggets, a small car or free maid service - something that would explain the exorbitant price. I can't tell you how much I wanted to give the popcorn man a thousand paper cuts with the cash I begrudgingly gave him. And they TOTALLY got me after that because they put roughly two cups of salt in it so of COURSE we would have to buy lemonade lest our tongues shrivel into jerky. The lemonade they had came in a lovely 'collectible' squeezee cup thingy at the "bargain price" of 9 DOLLARS. I think I snarled at the lemonade guy and nipped at his fingers when he came for my money.

The munchkin was very excited to be at the circus for about an hour and then she was over it. And I have to say I don't blame her. Since when did the circus get so A.D.D.? Isn't there suppose to be the center ring where all the circus happiness happens? This was not the case at the circus we went to tonight. There was crap going on all OVER the place - at the same time! The center ring, the side ring, the ceiling, the basement, under my seat. Oh lookit the horses over there doing the running man, but oh check out the zebras over here smoking cigarettes and oh lookit that foreign Chinese girl walking on a tightrope with her tongue, what about that guy juggling parapalegic midgets! DAMN! I got whiplash trying to look at everything all at once. I imagine this is what it must look like in Paula Abdul's brain.

The worst of part of it was the ringmaster and all the performers who had speaking parts were LIP SYNCING. Seriously? A Paula Abdul theme with a Milli Vanilli performance? No one could understand a word they said. You could tell they were getting pissed off when they would ask for some audience participation and got none because they all sounded like they were chewing on Dirk Diggler's peen.

Ring Master: Ladies and Gentlemen are you ready for the show?
What we actually heard: Shammies and gelatin, are few dilly in the snow?

Top that off with horrible community theater acting complete with cheesy overly gestured gesturing bordering on jazz hands, a stupid 'side plot' of some green clown trying to 'ruin the show' - the ongoing storyline was stupid and about as pointless as having a plot in porn (not that I've ever watched - I've just, you know, heard about it and what not ...) I was looking for the vendor selling fast forward buttons so we could just hurry up and get to the good shit.

The only time I was truly entertained was when the tigers came out. I was wishing so hard that one of the tigers would swipe the trainer guy that I think I popped a blood vessel. I didn't want him to get mauled or anything but a little maiming and a loss limb or two would've brought me right back into the show! Don't judge. The man was wearing a gold corset with tight sparkly cream leggings and was totally a German Tony Little. (pre-recorded, unintelligible yelling....with a heavy German accent.). He practically had a sign on his back that said "Tiger Food." Oh how I wished and wished. Screw you Oprah, The Secret doesn't work for evil! I should have known.

I also remembered why I don't like watching the circus. The animals. Elephants, tigers and zebras should be running around, indiscriminately shitting all over the jungle and sleeping in the shade. It just feels wrong when you bedazzle their anuses and make them do a ballerina twirls.

OH! And the irony of it all?
No CIRCUS PEANUTS at THE CIRCUS!!!

Unbelievable.

The entire circus experience was unnatural and surreal. It was too .........dare I say....CIRCUS-Y!

That's right. I'm complaining about the circus for being what it is. Just agree with me and lets not argue about it anymore.

The Angry Post

Dear Neighbor,

First, let me start off my by saying that I am not a perfect mother. Its a hard job and even the best of all mothers get frustrated at one time or another. So, if anything, moms are the most sympathetic to other moms. (Well, I AM anyways) Whenever I see a mom having a hard time with her kids in public, my heart goes out to them because I've been there. It sucks when the little buggers turn into Sybil at the frozen food aisle. So I just want to make it CLEAR that I understandy understand understandaroo like no other.
HOWEVER (you knew that was coming right?) when your children CRY at the top of their lungs EVERY MORNING and you yell at them to "SHUT THE HELL UP!" EVERY MORNING so loud that my daughter hears you and asks if there's a monster outside, you might want to re-access your morning routine.
One way to make your mornings less "noisy" would be SLEEP. When your daughters are still playing outside at 10:00 pm, you can probably expect them not to be such happy campers when you wake them up at 7:30 am and rush them out the door. Shit, who's happy waking up in the morning anyways? Even I want to cry and flail my arms about if I wake up earlier than I want to. You can't really blame them for being whiny and cranky in the morning when they were up late enough to watch the Jay Leno show.

To sum up, More sleep = less howler monkey like toddler.

Love, Me.

Argh. Seriously guys, I'm not the type of person to judge how one raises their child at ALL. Just as long as you're CONSCIOUS of the fact that YOU are RAISING them. I mean, yes they cut the cord, but for the first ..oh I don't know...18 years or so, you kind of have to pay close attention to them. You would think that after a morning or two of cranky toddlers, she would be like, "Oh..hmm, maybe they're not getting enough sleep?" She's THERE when her kids are still up at 11:00 pm (they're 2 and 3 respectively) so I don't understand why that logic has escaped her. It pisses me off even more that she's yelling at them to "shut the hell up" so loud that the whole block can hear it, as if her daughters are crying simply to annoy her and ruin her day. And again, I can't stress enough that I'm not the perfect parent. I've lost my temper with my daughter, yes sometimes I let her watch too much t.v. and she has had days where she hasn't had enough sleep and she was cranky as hell, but typically that's not the norm. If there is one thing that I am a real stickler about with my daughter, it's SLEEP. That girl gets more than enough sleep for her health and more importantly for MY SANITY.

So I guess I just don't understand why my neighbor hasn't caught on to that fact.

But that's really nothing compared to what I read in the news yesterday. I guess some couple were arrested for neglecting their 2 year old and 11 month old. Basically, the kids were found dehydrated, malnourished and the little girl's head had to be shaved because it was matted and covered IN CAT URINE. (after reading this, I was literally spit shining my husband's gun and looking up their address). And you know WHY they neglected them??? THEY WERE ADDICTED TO ONLINE FANTASY GAMES like that Dungeons and Dragons and neglected to feed, bathe, or pay attention to their children. They had FOOD they were just "too busy" PRETENDING to slay a fucking dragon, or whatever the fuck it is that geeks do with that game, to get up and FEED THEM.

DIE.
NOW.

Why don't we have the punishment fit the crime??????? How about we STARVE their asses for several days, not give them any water, let them stew in their own shit and piss and have alley cats piss on their hair, while I sit across from them playing Connect Four eating a steak dinner and enjoying a refreshing beverage.

"Oh what's that? You're hungry? Sorry. This game of Connect Four is so engrossing, I just can't be bothered right now."

Okay, so Connect Four probably isn't the best game to play alone, but I'm pretty sure I can find a few volunteers to play with me and watch those ass wipes suffer.
SPADE OR NEUTER...its not just for pets.

(Midget rant ending in 5........

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Thank you. Come again.