Finger Pricks With Fries. Oh and Happy New Year!!

Well whaddya know? It's 2010! And before I go on, let me start this post off with how I wrapped up my 2009:


That's right! I met Miss Diva herself, the D-Listed Queen Kathy Griffin. She was making her rounds with her book signing and lucky me - she happened to be signing books in San Diego! True to her D-List self, she parked in public parking and walked down the street to the bookstore like a normal person, flanked by her two assistants. I knew I was a lunatic, because I knew both of her assistants by their first names and I was doing the Wayne's World I'm not worthy bow as she passed. She was cool and bowed right back at me! Not only did she sign my book but Kathy blessed and wished for me to have a healthy baby who would learn how to curse as soon as possible.

I love her.

After that was basically a whirlwind of family, food, presents and yes, even more food. My family being as cool as they are bought the pregnant lady her cravings, one of which was Pho' soup and the other being fruit - specifically mango slices sprinkled with chili lime salt. Here I am caught in the act but still claiming innocence while my mouth was full of said mango slices:

And now here we are, 2010! No resolutions because I'm pregnant! That's right. I'm using the "I'm pregnant" card for EVERYTHING. See how my hair is all frizzy in that picture above? It's because I'm pregnant. I don't have the patience to blow dry properly. House not spic and span? Well you gotta give me some slack, I'm pregnant! Is she drinking ranch straight from the bottle? Hello. Bun in the oven! Leave me alone. Did she just club that person from behind and steal his Subway sandwich? Well I'm hungry AND pregnant! I needed it more than he did. Did she curb her big truck on the sidewalk again and mowed down an elderly person on a senior scooter? Well.. she's pregnant....and Asian! Booya! Double whammy excuse on my bad driving skills!

It's not that I can't drive, I just can't drive giant trucks too well. It doesn't help that Viking hubby thinks disturbingly short girls (ahem) jumping out of monster trucks is cute. I wonder how he's going to feel a couple months from now when an oompa loompa is screaming at him to lift her up into the truck?

AFTER the baby - this body of mine, which has been quite temperamental weight wise ever since the munchkin was born, are going to have a long discussion about how having a giant ass that's as wide as I am tall is not cute. But we'll cross that fat ass bridge when we get to it.

Speaking of ass, look at the kadonkadonk I'm sporting at only 14 weeks....


Apparently I'm 14 weeks in the front and in my third trimester in the back! That shit's starting to look like a bookshelf.

Interestingly enough, from my last doctor's appointment, I actually lost a pound. It's not like I'm not eating. I am but it's s odd, I'm STARVING one minute, eat two bites of whatever it is that I was craving and I'm full. I don't know what that's about because last time, I was a black hole when it came to eating. I would have eaten a throw pillow if you put enough Tabasco sauce on it. I'm also taking an early blood sugar test in about a week since I had gestational diabetes last time. I'm hoping I don't have it this time around. Pricking your finger every five minutes is not fun. Oh and pregnant women on a diet of no starch, no sugar, no anything except mung beans and dirt- yeah, not too much fun either. So cross your fingers that I don't have GD and this pregnancy is finger prick free.

Hmm, Finger prick. I feel like there's a joke there somewhere but I'm at a loss as to what it would be. (Rosie O'Donnell comes to mind for some reason. Ew.)

But Lay off yo. (pregnant card to be used in...5...4...3...2....) I'm PREGNANT! Don't expect me to be clever on top of everything or I'll eat what's most precious to you with a side of french fries.

ooh Fries!

It's Not The Restroom Baby....

First off, thanks to everyone who gave me advice on my log poop problems. I inadvertently fixed my own problem because lately I've been craving spicy food and I want to put chili lime salt on everything! In turn, that's made me drink a lot of water, keeping me well hydrated (which I'm usually bad at). This is helping the conveyor belt move things along quite nicely.

Anyways enough about poo (I know, I can't believe I'm purposely getting off the topic of poo. Historical moment, mark it on your calendar.) - this past week has been the longest week in history because we moved, AGAIN. Locally, not too far - the size of our house and our rent is significantly smaller which is just fine with us, especially with the baby coming. And really, that huge house we were in was nice until I realized it took a full 24 hours just to vacuum the place and don't get me started on the bathrooms. Viking hubby and I practically had to work in shifts to get everything clean. So yeah, small house? = better. Writing a rent check that doesn't make my asshole pucker up and eat my own underwear? = Priceless.

In the middle of all the chaos of moving was my little munchkin's birthday which we celebrated at Sea World. (Had to keep it kind of low key on the party scene since we didn't really know where we were going to end up a month ago.) She turned 6 and when we measured the growing girl, we discovered that she's 3'8 which means she is 1 foot away from being the same height as me. God was really not in the mood when it was my turn to get torso. It's like he cut a normal torso in half, gave the bigger portion to me and the other portion to Verne Troyer.

On the pregnancy front, now that my poop issues are out of the way (smoothly and without struggle I might add), I actually forget I'm pregnant. Well up until I get hungry. It comes at me like a tidal wave. One minute I'll be just fine and the next minute I'm in such desperate need for food that if Verne Troyer was around, I'd bbq his little ass and eat him with a side of rice.

Please don't ask me why Verne Troyer is the ongoing theme of this blog post. The man just pops into my head at random times and haunts me....


Merry Christmas and you're welcome.

Tonight I'm off to see Kathy Griffin do a book signing in La Jolla. I'm very excited even though the weather has been in the 30's in the evening and I'll be freezing my ass off, it'll be worth the wait! I can't wait to meet her and have her sign my book! I"ll just have to double up my socks and use my gays to block the wind. Hags get all the perks don't they??

Dear Joe Simpson, Quit Creeping Around My Legs! (Jeopardy Answer: Things Jessica Simpson would say.)

A funny thing happened to me when I went to go see the red-headed messiah and comedy idol, Kathy Griffin, this weekend with my gays.

I got R.L.S.

What's R.L.S. you say? Restless Leg Syndrome.

Yeah. I know. What the fuckity fuck? Leave it up to me to get random shit at the most inopportune time. I'm surprised I didn't get a whooping cough on top of it. Anyways, come closer, hold my hand and walk down short term memory lane with me won't you?

If you don't know what restless leg syndrome is, let me explain. It's this super creepy crawly feeling that you get in your legs and you're just unable to keep them still. There's this urge to MOVE. If you have gotten restless leg syndrome, then you know the feeling that I'm talking about. (or if you're Jessica Simpson, you know the kind of creepy that I'm talking about, right Joe Simpson?) I don't know much about it, but I've gotten it on and off throughout my life. I even saw a commercial for a magic pill that would get rid of R.L.S. in exchange for wonderful side effects like growing a giant fuzzy mole in the middle of your forehead, powerful bowel movements and sporadic turrets syndrome.

My restless leg attack was so bad this past Saturday, I would not have hesitated taking a bucketful of those pills. Apparently waking up 5:45 a.m., going fishing all day, stressing out over my dog, drinking two very strong Jack and Cokes (thanks John!), and eating way too much Chinese food was the secret ingredient to a full blown restless leg attack.

So there I was, fifth row at one of the most hilarious shows I've ever seen, trying to enjoy my girl Kathy and I could not, for the life of me, sit still. To top it off, they were taping it for Bravo which is going to air sometime in November, so I couldn't get up and walk it off. AND as if that wasn't bad enough, wouldn't you know it, with only a half hour left of the show, all of a sudden had to go to the bathroom really bad. If my tweaky fidgeting wasn't noticeable before, it was definitely noticeable now.

And I guess that's why I'm writing this post, if you watch it this November and the camera happens to pan on a Filipino girl who's crackin' out like Whitney Houston in her seat; um, that's just overly tired me suffering from R.L.S., full of piss, booze and Chinese food.

I told you I was due for a comeback.

Happy New Years Everyone!!

I'm staying in of course because when you have a child, the best party to have is a party on the couch with a big bowl of Tostinos and ranch. We're doing our usual, appetizers for dinner to ring in the New Years. I wish I had some sweet story on why this has become a 'family tradition' as of late, or at least some cultural reference - like this is what viking hubs great ancestors used to do every new year... rape, pillage and fry up some Tostinos to reward themselves for a hard day's work.. but no, there is no significance to our 'appetizers for dinner' New Year. Truth be told, Viking hubs and I take whatever occasion and turn it into a mini deep fry fest. No joke. We'll be doing appetizers for dinner again for Superbowl too and neither of us even follow football.

Seriously though - we'll be staying in, eating bad fried food and viking hubs begrudgingly agreed to have a Kathy Griffin night. (we're watching the entire first season and ringing in the new year with her on CNN with Anderson Cooper). Again, this isn't some 'tradition' in the family although I'm actively trying to make it one because I could watch Kathy Griffin all the live long day. But Kathy is kind of an 'adults only' comedian so while munchkin is awake, it'll be Spongebob - THEN Kathy after she goes to bed.

Here's a funny little cartoon made from her stand-up cd called 'For Your Consideration' - which she specifically made as a joke to try to get nominated for a Grammy - and she did!!! It's brilliant.

EDIT: This is from last night's telecast and why I love Kathy, check out the 4:30 mark where she tells some heckler on the street to shut up and 'knock the dick out of your mouth!' omg. she's fantastic.





HAPPY NEW YEARS EVERYONE!! I'm so happy to be welcoming 2009! Stay Safe and I'll see you all in the New Year!

One Eye Wants To Go Down For Sleepy Time.....

No FLF this week. My heartfelt apologies. You can't expect me to be clever EVERY week do you?!?! Plus I'm busy blah blah blah....and by busy I mean lazy.

So to get your dose of celebrity bashing, here's the mother of all celebrity bashing, my mentor, my idol, Kathy Griffin.
HAVE A GREAT WEEKEND EVERYONE!
Take it away Kathy....

It's a thin line between me and a gay man.....

I love Madonna, Absolutely Fabulous, all things Broke and Back AND Kathy Griffin! I am literally one Celine Dion concert away from being an outright, honorary gay man.

Anyways, if you haven't see Kathy Griffin's My Life On The D-List on Bravo, you're missing out on one of the best t.v. shows EVER. Emmy nominated even! It's on Tuesdays at 9pm. Tivo it. I have all her stand up shows downloaded on my pod and her recent one, "Everybody Can Suck It" there's a segment where she talks about how Catholics are notorious for taking the Lord's name in vain, especially her mother. I made the mistake of watching the show in bed while the Viking hubby was sleeping, so I had to keep my laughter in. I woke him up anyways because I was shaking the bed and one laugh got away from me and ended up being a really loud snort.
She's crass, she's crude and I love her. So if you're all schmensitive and shit...well....this probably isn't for you and quite frankly, if you are easily offended, this probably isn't a good blog to be hanging out at.
But to my regular 6 readers, you bitches are low brow (that's why I loves ya) so you'll love this shit!

ENJOY!!!