Wednesday, June 07, 2006

Notice of Eviction


Dear Mr. Ten Pounds,

Please go away. You've overstayed your welcome. Remember when I kicked out the first ten pounds without nary a glance? How come you're being so stubborn? Hmmm? You tease me by putting one pound or sometimes two pounds out the door, but then a week later, there you are again. All ten pounds of you. Why must you gather in the middle like so? Why can't you at least disperse about .. maybe a little on my boody, a little on my thighs, even gather up in the booby area, you're most welcome there. If you were going to stay, you could at least do that and be as unnoticable as possible. But no, instead you have planted yourself in areas that will make it near impossible for me to get into a bathing suit, let alone a bikini, without hearing at least one oompa loompa/baby Shamu reference.

So, I'm here to tell you that I hope you're enjoying your stay, I hope you're enjoying the Robert Deniro-like grimaces on my face that occur whenever I see you staring back at me in the mirror. Yes, I hope you're enjoying all this because your existence will soon be eradicated.

I introduce you to, Mr. Gym Membership and Mr. Nutri-System.

Oh I hear you laughing at me.

And you have every right to scoff as you have outwitted Mr. Kickboxing DVD and Mr. Portion Control by teaming up with Miss Uncontrollable Cravings for Chocolate. Both of you kicked my ass late in the day and secured your jiggly residence, week in and week out.

But this time. Its different.

Summer has arrived, beach is 3 miles away and there are cute, new bathing suits as far as the eye can see at the local department stores. But most of all, in August.. Ms. 3-0, will be arriving. Ms. 3-0 is expecting the best and I can't have you (literally) hanging around. Ms. 3-0 likes to look good in bathing suits, she likes single digit sized pants, she blushes when she's called a MILF, she likes being able to walk up a flight of stairs without huffing and puffing, she likes to be able to sit down and not have to blouse out her shirt to cover up any additional residents (you). She's only Ms. 3-0, not Ms. 6-0. She doesn't have any tolerance for oversized t-shirts, moo moos, and spending time in the shade with a tank top over her one-piece. Ms. 3-0 is coming and that means, you gotta go Mr. 10 pounds. You gotta go. And if all goes well, you can take Mr. 5 pounds with you too. He doesn't bug me as much, but it would just be better all around if both of you left.

Please note that this letter also serves as your eviction notice. Mr. Gym Membership and Mr. Nutri-System will be available to escort you from the premises. I expect the place to be vacated, taut and svelte in a month.

Thank you and once again, Go. Away.

Me.

5 comments:

Alyson said...

LOL you tell him, Elaine!

Lightning Bug's Butt said...

You should forward this post to Richard Simmons.

IDigHootchAndCootch said...

I'm having the same problem with mr 50 pds...and I've given up all hope of wearing a bikini this summer.

Leilouta said...

That picture is just wrong :)

Paula said...

SO funny!